Every Lament is a Love Song
by sogoodatmending
Summary: I thought I had faced it all. The assault from Asher, the divorce of my parents, my sister moving to another country, my boyfriend heading to New York. But I never thought that the worst of my battles would be one fought internally. An actual life or death situation. Never had I thought I'd hear the words, "you have cancer" spoken to me directly. It was a death sentence.
1. Chapter 1

**So this story is going to be my take of what could happen with the upcoming storyline of Clare having cancer. I know many people or at least a few will probably be writing the same. This is just one of a few, then. And, just as a warning, chapters probably won't be updated right away. I'm fairly busy with things at the moment and writing this is kind of an outlet. So if they're a few weeks apart, I apologize in advance. I'll keep this going as long as I possibly can in hopes to finish it. I hope you like it. (also this chapter is a bit short – more like just a small prologue). I'd love to hear your thoughts on it.**

My mind was blank. Or there were too many thoughts rushing around inside of it that I couldn't really figure out what I was actually thinking. I remembered this state before. The day after Asher had kissed me. I just stood at the counter and stared. Mind blank or too swarmed and confused. I wasn't quite sure what my reaction was supposed to be like. I had imagined this moment many times in the past few weeks. I imagined crying, clutching the phone in my hand and breaking down. I imagined just standing up and brushing the hair out of my face, walking out the door to go wherever it was I had planned and take the approach of optimism.

But I never thought it'd be this. Sitting at the kitchen counter staring at the wooden table and not being able to process even a single syllable in my mind. Should I cry? Should I yell, scream, swear, throw something? I wasn't sure.

All I knew was that there had to be some sort of mistake. Some sort of mix up. They had gotten the wrong results back. The wrong person. There had to be another Clare Edwards, there had to be. Because this Clare Edwards, she had this entire life planned out. It was the beginning of summer. Eli had left for New York two weeks prior. I had started the start of what I thought my future would be. Serving as Degrassi's Vice President alongside of Drew. Spending my time trying to do as much as I possibly could to get into Columbia so that come this time next year, I could finally be with my love in New York. In a studio apartment, just like we had planned.

They didn't have the right results. Sure, I knew that not everything in life was pure and perfect. Things happen. My parents had divorced, my sister was in another country and my boyfriend had moved away for university. I had seen who I once claimed to be my idol trap me in a mindset of disgust and disgrace. I'd seen death and how it effected those in my life who I loved the most. Of course life was full of heartbreaks, heartaches and pain. I wasn't naïve and safe from the world.

But knowing that you're not safe from pain is different than thinking you're safe from complete destruction. Safe from you're deepest fears. Sure there's some sort of reality in the back of your mind that you go to even without knowing that kind of clicks and presents chances and situations that can arise. But if you could sit down and think the worst could happen to you, you wouldn't believe it. Or at least I didn't. So I guess I was naïve. I guess I wasn't fully taking everything in. I had ignored it.

I had heard the words of optimism spewed by my best friends, my mother, my father, step father and step brother over and over and over again. "It's probably nothing". "You probably just aren't feeling well". "Things like this don't happen often". "You're okay". I had prepared myself for reactions of excitement. Smiling and laughing and hugs of relief. But I never prepared myself for this. It was impossible to prepare for. Even if I tried, I knew I wouldn't be able to fully accept it. I couldn't even accept it with the words being spoken directly in my ear by the doctor himself.

What was I supposed to say to people? How was I going to explain myself? How were the words even supposed to be uttered from my mouth? I didn't know how to say it. I didn't know how to think it. How do you say something so numbing to someone? It wasn't real, it wasn't real, it wasn't real. That's all I could think. That's all I'd be able to say. They're wrong, they're wrong, they're wrong. Everything that was evidence towards the reality was just far too compelling. But it wasn't true. I felt weightless. How would I tell my mother? Numb. How would I tell Alli and Jenna? Sore. How was I supposed to tell Eli?

I looked around the empty room, wishing that I had someone here to tell me how I was supposed to react. How I was supposed to feel. But there was no one. We hadn't even planned on getting the phone call until the next day. Helen was at work, Glen at work. And I thought Jake had gone out for the day until I was brought out of my intense stare by the sound of his footsteps stomping down the wooden steps.

"Is there something particularly interesting on the table? I mean, it's just wood. You've seen it a million times."

I heard the words. I mentally acknowledged them. But I was frozen. And I guess that was a sign to Jake that there was really something wrong because I could hear the scraping of the chair next to me and felt his presence. He'd sat down and was probably looking at me with a confused expression. One I had seen quite too often.

"What's wrong?"

Again I didn't reply. I just shifted my eyes from the table over to the phone that was lying in front of me. I could hear Jake take in a breath and felt a hand on my back. I flinched. That's where the pain was. I knew what he was going to ask, and before the words could even leave his lips, I just nodded. We both sat in silence.

It took a good few minutes before I was able to look up to him, surprised to feel hot tears spilling down my cheeks. I hadn't even noticed them welling up beforehand. I was too…not there. I was even more surprised when I felt my body begin to tremble, the tears begin to fall faster and faster. A sob escaped my lips unwillingly and I could instantly feel warmth around my body as Jake took me into his arms, pulling me as close to him as he possibly could as I cried.

"You can get through this," I heard, Jake's voice beginning to tremble so slightly. "You're Clare Edwards. You're stubborn and strong and unwilling to give up on anything. Which is an annoying quality but this is where it'll work."

If it weren't for the severity of the situation I probably would've smacked the boy right then, ignoring the fact that he was obviously right. Well, he was right about my personality. I was stubborn. I was unwilling to give up. And at times I could be strong. But sometimes that's not enough. That was my personality. But that wasn't my body and I wasn't sure how to bring that all together. What if my body wasn't strong enough to fight this?

"I have cancer," I choked out, the salt from my tears stinging my tongue.

Jake hugged me tighter and I could feel his lips place the most gentle of kisses on the top of my head, trying to comfort me in some sort of way.

"I know," he replied. "I know."


	2. Chapter 2

**First of all, thank you all so much for all of the reviews and support for this story already. Your comments are motivating and I appreciate what you all have to say. I really do. Secondly, I'm actually completely in shock that I wrote all of this today but I just kind of went for it. It's a bit longer than the last, thankfully. I'd love to hear from you guys again, it really makes my day. I'll try and update again when I can.**

I had asked Helen if I could sleep over at Alli's. It took her a while to agree, and honestly, seeing how upset she was, I truly did feel bad. As soon as I had composed myself enough to utter a sentence, I had called my mom and Glen, asking them to come home, Jake sitting there patiently. I really had appreciated his presence in those first critical moments after finding out. He canceled his date with Katie, telling her that there was a family emergency without really letting her know what was going on, and sat right there next to me as I let our parents know what the doctor had said.

My mom started crying instantly, Glen placing a hand on her back comfortingly as his face turned from confusion to devastation in a matter of seconds. Helen apologized quite a few times for reasons I didn't understand. She hadn't done anything wrong. I knew that it was kind of a phrase of support, one that I had used in situations myself, but there really wasn't anything that she needed to say sorry for. Sure…I was sick. But we all knew that the words were insignificant in the moment no matter how comforting they had been trying to come across as.

We all sat there in the living room for a good hour and a half, just talking about what was going to happen next. I explained the treatment options that the doctor had given me over the phone and pretty much just relayed any information on that I had absorbed. I was honest with them when I had said that I was out of it during the majority of the phone call and didn't really remember a whole lot from it. It was all just difficult to swallow. And no matter how uncomfortable the conversation had started out as, I felt like for the first time, in that moment, we were all really a family.

Sure, I had accepted Jake as my step brother a while back and had just grown to see Glen as someone my mom really loved, someone in our family. We had family outings, dinners together as often as we could and did what I guessed were normal family things. But it wasn't until then that I felt some sort of closure.

"We're going to go through this together," Glen announced, his voice that had once been breaking now strong and pronounced. "The four of us are going to get through this. Clare, you're going to get through this. And Jake, your mother and I are going to support you the entire way."

My mother nodded and the two of them just looked over at Jake as if they were making some sort of silent agreement without having to discuss it at all. "I'm not going to B.C."

My eyes had darted to the boy almost instantly. Him and Glen had made plans before graduation to take a trip of their own over there go to mushroom picking. Something that I was particularly confused by, but I guess it had been some sort of tradition they'd had going for a while now. Before I could even get a word in edge wise, Jake just shook his head and put a hand on my shoulder and smiled. And that was that.

The next day I found myself standing outside of the Bhandari household where resided my two best friends. Alli Bhandari and Jenna Middleton. I had told the two over the phone about my diagnosis, hearing gasps and "oh my god's" as replies. It was Jenna who had suggested I come over to spend the night, just to have a girl's night to try and get my mind off of things. Though we all knew that none of us would be able to escape the news. At least not so soon.

I was greeted by a teary Alli who had pulled me into a tight hug immediately. I let out a deep sigh, trying my hardest not to start crying right there. I had done too much of that in the past 24 hours. Crying and being comforted, being told it was all going to be okay. Though I wasn't really sure what was just comforting optimism or true belief. After a few moments, Alli pulled away and gave me one of her bright smiles, wiping the tears from her own eyes.

"Well let's not just stand here all night," she said, pulling me inside. "Jenna and I went out earlier and rented a whole bunch of movies. All your favorites. Well not all of them."

"Yeah, some of them are boring!" I smiled as Jenna came racing down the steps of the home, also wearing a bright smile as if to try and lighten the mood just a bit. I gave her a hug as well. "But we do have The Wedding Singer, John Tucker Must Die, The Notebook, The Blind Side and A Walk to Remember."

I pressed my lips together tightly and took in a slight breath. "I…don't think that last one would be the best of choices."

Alli sighed rather loudly and hit Jenna's arm. "I told you that was a bad idea. I'm sorry Clare. I mean, I know it's your favorite but it was really insensitive-."

"It's okay," I interrupted. "I appreciate it I just…tonight is supposed to be a night of fun and getting my mind off of things so let's just save that for next time."

Alli and Jenna smiled in agreement, both taking a hand and dragged me upstairs. The room was already situated with blankets, pillows and a king size air mattress on the floor, an amenity Alli's parents had bought years ago for our many sleepovers. There were bottles of soda and various snacks and cups all prepared just in time for my arrival.

I sat down on the mattress with a little bounce, Jenna and Alli sitting on either side of me. In all honesty, even though that day and the one before were full of stress and raging emotion after the information that was received, this had been exactly what I needed. Just a night of movies and fun and boy talks. Even thought I'd probably end up getting emotional over the fact that Eli was in another country. That was something that, if this wasn't happening, I would've still been upset over. And for whatever reason, that was a relief to me.

But even as the first movie started, I just couldn't seem to focus completely. I found that I could tune in for about five minutes at a time before my mind started wander to other places. What was going to happen next, how this would all play out. Telling my family and telling Jenna and Alli was difficult. And those moments I really did dread in my mind before they happened. But there was still one person in my life who really needed to know. Eli.

Part of me felt completely horrible for not telling him yet. The fact that we were in a relationship for the long run kind of put the truth factor in full effect. And since we had gotten back together over prom, we had sworn to each other that no matter what, we'd talk to each other about whatever problem we were facing. We wouldn't pressure each other into speaking and we'd give needed space, of course, but our downfall had always been communication. Always.

So how was it that once again, there I was with the weight of the world on my shoulders, so it seemed, and this gut wrenching feeling of debating whether or not to tell him? Or, I guess it was more like _when_ I had to tell him. Sure, right away would have been ideal but it was his high school graduation. I couldn't ruin that for him. And before that had been prom and we had been…a bit preoccupied. It wasn't the best moment to let him know that I could possibly be suffering from cancer. But on the other hand I knew that the longer I went without telling him, the worse the situation could become. That's just how things worked with us. Or I guess that was just how it was in any relationship.

"Clare. Earth to Clare!" My gaze snapped from the spot on the floor over to Jenna at the sound of her voice and in reaction to slight shove. "You are in another world, my god."

I sighed, sitting up from my position on my stomach and let myself drop to my back. My hands covered my face and I could feel the mattress move more as Alli and Jenna laid next to me. Alli placed a hand on my arm, pulling my own hand away and tried to meet my gaze.

"I have a feeling this isn't working?" I shook my head and stared up at the ceiling. As much as I was trying to not think about it, I just couldn't do that. It was the most aggravating thing on earth. When Alli had first pointed out the lump on my back, I was distracted almost instantly by prom. But now that I knew what was going on…I couldn't tear my thoughts away.

"How am I supposed to not think about this? I have acute myeloid leukemia. _Me._ _Leukemia_. It just…it doesn't make any sense. How am I supposed to tell Eli?"

"You haven't told Eli yet?" Alli practically squealed. I scrunched my face. "Clare, come on, you can't keep this from him. Remember how the Asher thing went? You can't keep this from him."

I groaned and sat up, dropping my hands in my lap. "It's not the same, Alli!"

"But Eli will support you," Jenna added. "He did through that and he will now. He's there for you, you know that."

"Things are different now. He's not _here_. I get that he'll support me, I know he will but he's in New York City. In another _country_. It's not like he can just come home, guys, this is his dream. He can't…I won't let him just drop that for me. I don't want him to miss out on anything because of me."

It was then that I really started thinking about what would really happen here. I knew Eli loved me. I knew he supported me. And I loved that about him, I really did. But it was also kind of a downfall of the situation. He loved me so much that I knew he'd drop it all to come here to help me. And I couldn't let that happen.

"Eli has worked so hard to get into this school. To work with Brett Barnet on this film, I can't just take him away from that, I know he'll leave if I tell him."

Alli shook her head and placed her hand on my shoulder. "Clare, this is the same thinking that you had about the Asher thing. Sure it's a different situation, but it's the same thing. You can't hide major things from Eli just because you're afraid of what's going to happen. You can't hide cancer. What if it's fa-."

"Don't say that," I interrupted, more blocking the idea from my head than the idea of Eli knowing it. "Don't. I just…I can't tell him yet, he just got there. I can't have him worrying about me, I won't let that happen."

"Okay but if you don't tell him soon and things get worse, how will he react then? This is one thing you can't hide from him."

I knew they were right. I knew it, I knew it, I knew it. I had to tell Eli. We had promised to be honest with each other. Talk things out. We were in this for the long run and we had to tell each other things. And if this was actually happening, it was only going to be a matter of time before he figured out something was wrong. I was going to get sick. Really sick. I'd be in the hospital. I'd…have so many things going on that it would be impossible to hide it. But how the hell do you tell the one person you love the most in the world that you were dying? _How_?

I just…I couldn't. It would break my heart. The boy had been through so much already. The loss of Julia, everything with Cam…I couldn't just tell him but I had to and it brought me to absolute tears. Right there. In the middle of the room. My heart hurt, my head swarmed and I didn't know which direction was right or wrong, up or down and the only thing I could comprehend were the arms that were surrounding my body that belonged to my best friends, pulling my closer to them as I cried.

It was like reality hit me right in the face in that exact moment. I had once told myself I could do anything. But I was wrong. The little girl standing at the front steps of Degrassi those few years back was naïve. Every single issue I'd faced before seemed so insignificant and petty. Ha, they seemed pedestrian. But, God, how I wished for those issues back. If only I could have those issues back. This was the one thing I hadn't prepared myself for. And I was already losing.


	3. Chapter 3

**This is going quicker than I thought, wow, ha. Again, I appreciate all the reviews and comments from you guys! It's all really encouraging and I love that you guys are liking it so far. This chapter finally has a bit of Eli in it, so there you go. Let me know what you think, thanks again for the reviews. **

A week. A week had gone by since I found out. And since then I had been in and out of the doctor. Doing different tests. Scans. Talks with doctors. They wanted to make 100% sure that their diagnosis was correct. That I had leukemia and that I was going to have to start some sort of treatment soon. Also within the week, I had spoken with Eli nearly everyday, waiting for him to get all set up so that we could have our first official skype date. Where I would either get the guts to tell him or just continue to ignore the situation at hand at least for the hour I got to speak with him.

I knew that he could tell there was something wrong. He's always been able to. It's like a sixth sense for the boy. But I couldn't tell him. Not yet. He was helping Brett Barnet with this film and I knew he was having the time of his life. There were so many things he was being able to experience, being able to contribute. It was the perfect opportunity for him career wise. And I couldn't tell you how proud of Eli I was. How he was getting a head start on his future even before he got to start university there. Everything Eli had worked so hard for, for so long was finally paying off. And I couldn't ruin that.

Yet with each passing day I felt more and more guilty. I was keeping something major from him. This wasn't just some doctor's appointment saying I was sick or that I was going to need to be on some medication for a while to get better. This was _cancer_. Acute myeloid leukemia. A cancer that started in the bone marrow and moved _quickly_. I was going to have to start treatment within the next week, I knew that. I wasn't going to be able to hide this from him much longer. But it was a conversation I was dreading more than anything. A conversation I had played over and over again in my head and none of them ended well for either of us.

I knew that Eli wouldn't leave me. I just knew. After all that had happened in the past few years, there was no way. We told each other that before he left and at that point I had already known that the cancer was a possibility. A good possibility. It was just a matter of how that was going to effect our future. How long it was going to take to fight this thing off. How long it would actually be before I would see Eli again. Because if I was sick and I was in the hospital, I wouldn't be able to go to school. My senior year, I wouldn't be able to attend. Which would set me a year back on going to Columbia. Set me a year back on moving in with Eli. And I couldn't take losing those plans again, I just couldn't.

I snapped out of my thoughts when my phone began to ring, letting me know that I had an unread text. Looking at the screen, I could see that it had been Eli. He was all set up in his dorm, wifi activated, and waiting for the first opportunity that we could skype. I held my breath, a weird rush of nerves taking over my system. It would be the first time I'd seen his face since he left for New York three weeks earlier and I had really missed him. But that's not why I was nervous. I was nervous because I was trying to figure out how I was going to avoid the inevitable for just a little longer.

**Clare: **_Tonight sounds perfect :) Say 7? _

**Eli: **_It's a date. See you tonight, sweetheart._

"Clare!" Before I could reply to the high pitched squeal that came from the hall, Alli had pushed open my bedroom door with a big smile on her face. I could see Jenna standing behind her, her arms folded across her chest wearing the same goofy grin. "Come on, loser, we're going shopping."

I stared at the two in my doorway for a moment before rolling my eyes and sat up. Alli walked inside and brought me a pair of flats that were next to my dresser and sat next to me. She instantly pulled out her phone, texting who I was pretty sure was Mike Dallas, and began to mumble out her plans for the day.

"So I was thinking we go down to that place we found our dresses because they're having this HUGE summer sale and when we were there, I had to force myself not to buy like, half of their store. Then I was thinking dinner at Little Miss Steaks and another movie marathon at my place? My parents said you could sleep over."

I laughed as Alli finally turned her eyes away from her phone and looked over to me. Jenna entered the room as well and the two anxiously waited my reply as I put my shoes on. I checked the clock, seeing it read about eleven in the afternoon.

"The shopping sounds nice. And so does everything else. But…I kind of have a skype date with Eli at seven. So I think I'll pass on the sleepover?"

"Oooo," Jenna replied, teasingly. "What are you going to wear on this date?"

I looked down at my red cardigan and black, dotted shirt, shrugging. "What's wrong with what I am wearing?"

The blond sighed and dropped her head for a moment, like my reply was a complete disappointment to her. "Come on, Clare. You and Eli have taken the next step. I mean, you don't have to be all over each other all the time but think about it. You two won't be having sex again for _months_. Maybe even _years_ depending on how long you take to get over this cancer thing."

My heart dropped at her words. She was right. Cancer or not, I wouldn't be seeing Eli until October anyway. That was when he had his first visit planned out to come visit in Toronto. It was now the beginning of July. But then adding my illness onto it, if I was going to be starting treatments, that would make physical intimacy when we were together rather difficult. Alli noted the immediate sadness planted on my face after Jenna's comment and glared at the girl a bit before looking back to me.

"Uh…what she's _trying to say_, is that if you guys are going to be away for a bit, maybe just having a few sexy skype dates would be of use. Just wear something a little less modest than normal and fancy it up. It'll be good for you guys. Now come on, let's go."

With Alli's hand in mine, I got up and followed my two friends out of the room. We'd made the arrangements that I would be home by 6:30 so that I could appropriately get ready for my "date" with Eli, after we'd had a day of shopping and dinner. I had to be grateful I had friends like them. I know that we'd all had our fair share of fights and problems, but the fact that we could all just push everything aside and be friends meant so much to me. Especially now. I knew I could be stubborn and hold onto things that I shouldn't, so having friends right now was a major blessing in my life. Especially with what I was going through.

I was hoping that the surprise shopping spree would help take my mind off things. But like everything lately, that only came in spurts. If I was in an active conversation I could forget for a few moments. But I would often find my mind wandering to what was going to be happening next. Everything was happening so quickly and there wasn't really anything anyone could do to stop it.

It was easy for my mind to go from thought to thought from one second to the next. Over the three weeks of everything started, I had found that I had become more and more scatterbrained by the second. Something that I wasn't entirely used to but I knew it just came with stress. I've endured stressful situations before. Of course nothing to this severity but still. I could handle that. At least I thought so. I'd been able to handle many things shattering at the same time before, so I just had to keep an open mind. Maybe things weren't as bad as they had seemed.

I let out a slow breath as I continued to search through racks of clothing, something I had done a few weeks prior. And instantly I wished that I could go back to the moment of searching for my prom dress. Of course, I wished that at that point I knew what was going to happen between Eli and I, but having that being the only stress point seemed just so relieving at the moment.

Looking over to Alli and Jenna, I saw that the two had managed to get handfuls of summer dresses, shorts and shirts. I had to say that I was impressed with the amazing sales that were going on at the moment and only wished I hadn't been so preoccupied to actually enjoy it. Because I usually did. I loved going out with Jenna and Alli. I loved having girl time. I loved being with them and talking about anything I wanted. It was a breath of fresh air. And that's how I had imagined my summer. Just us. And maybe it still could be. Just a different type of "us" than I had hoped for.

I made my way over to the two who had found their ways to the lingerie section. I wasn't sure if they were looking for things for themselves or trying to find things for my "sexy skype date" with my boyfriend that night. Both were pretty good possibilities. Jenna was in the process of picking out a black, lacy bra that seemed a bit…racy and held it up for me to see, her eyebrows moving mock-seductively. I laughed and walked over, grabbing the bra and putting it back.

"I'm not going to wear that," I told her, her face falling at the comment.

"What about this?" My eyes wandered to Alli who was holding up a black lingerie-ish camisole. Walking over, I took the item from her hand and looked it over. It was revealing enough to be something towards what Alli and Jenna were trying to get me to go for but not…_that_ revealing.

"His favorite color is black, isn't it?" Jenna asked, now standing beside us. "And he won't be able to keep his eyes off you. This is exactly what you need, Clare. Just something to give your skype session a little more…interest."

"It has plenty of interest as it is, Jenna, thanks. Yeah we've had sex now but that's not _all_ we're going to be doing now. We're still just us."

"And here I thought after your first time you'd become some sex fiend."

The three of us laughed briefly at the comment. Though in the back of my mind, I knew that I had once thought the same thing. Though I thought it would be after I was married and I wouldn't have really used the word _fiend. _The night Eli and I had shared was lovely. Perfect even. Everything that I had really imagined. Alli and Jenna were right in some respects about what was going to take place, but overall it was an experience I wouldn't have traded for the world. It was with someone I loved more than anyone and that's why I thought it was perfect. But at the same time, I hoped that that wasn't all we would focus on. It was never the basis of our relationship in the first place anyway. And I hoped that now it could stay that way. Sexy skype dates or not.

/

As promised, Alli and Jenna had brought me home by 6:30 after finishing our shopping experience and having dinner out. I had eventually come home with the black camisole we'd found at the store, lip gloss, and a few books that I knew I was going to need if I was going to be home sick a lot of my summer. It wasn't until I had gotten to my room and closed the door that I became even remotely excited about skyping Eli at all. Most of the day I had honestly just been dreading it, not knowing whether or not I was going to tell him what was going on. And if I didn't, how I was going to distract myself enough to make it seem like there was nothing wrong.

The little advice Jenna and Alli gave me though seemed to help that in the moment. Maybe this was exactly what I needed to not only be intimate on some level with Eli while he was thousands of miles away, but also distract myself from the dark cloud looming over my head. Throwing the bags on my bed, I undressed, taking out the black, revealing, lace-strapped camisole and checked right away to see how it looked. It was perfect. The way it revealed just enough that I knew Eli would comment, but not enough for it to bee too much. It was the perfect distraction.

By the time I had finished making sure that my hair and makeup was perfect for the occasion and putting my cardigan back on, it was seven. Quickly, I placed my laptop on the bed and signed onto Skype, brushing my hands through my curls a final time before saw that Eli had been calling for the past three minutes already, and was now calling again. I accepted the call, the feeling of excitement and nervousness rushing through my body pretty quickly. I hadn't seen him in three weeks – something that hadn't happened since a year prior where I hadn't seen him all summer.

I felt myself smile almost insanely as I saw Eli's face appear on my screen, relieved to see that he hadn't changed a bit since the last time I saw him. Well, except for maybe a haircut. But he was still Eli. Still my Eli.

"Hey, beautiful," he greeted, his voice sounding more like music to my ears than anything else.

"Hey," I replied. I was trying to figure out what to say. Not that I was worrying at that particular point but because I was just so happy to finally see him all I could do was stare. "I see you've settled into your dorm quite nicely."

Eli looked around the room and moved his laptop around as if to give me a mini tour. "Oh yeah. It's such a great place, so many amenities. You can note that there is absolutely nothing in here other than two beds and a desk."

I laughed and shook my head. "Sounds like a typical dorm room. How's things with the movie going?"

The boy's lips turned into a bright smile instantly, a feature I always loved. Eli was always so excited when he spoke of film. I knew he loved it. "It's amazing, Clare. Just so amazing. I know I haven't really been able to explain much, but that's just because I'm so in awe of everything. The movie is going well and I'm learning a whole lot. How real films are staged, directed and brought together. Directing Romeo and Jules and that zombie movie were only a glimpse of what these high production movies are. It's incredible. You'd love it, too, I'm sure. But enough of that. How's Toronto? You enjoying summer?"

I shrugged a little, trying to ignore the thoughts and commentaries that were beginning to flow through my mind. Things that I really didn't want to talk about.

"Oh it's been average," I told him, downplaying it entirely. "Just spent missing you and wishing you were here."

Eli laughed. "You haven't had anything exciting happen in the three weeks I've been gone? No big news? I'm almost surprised, Edwards."

I pressed my lips together at the irony of the comment. There had been way too much going on. Too much that I had to tell him but couldn't. I just couldn't. How do you tell someone you love like that something so…devastating? It was the one question I kept asking myself over and over and over again. I shook my head, ignoring the swarming thoughts and took the moment as an opportunity I had been planning that day.

"Well…I mean it's been lonely here without you. I've missed hearing your voice. Seeing your face…being _with_ you…" I held my breath, hoping the strategy would work in my favor rather than having it take an awkward drop south like I was slightly dreading. Slowly I took my cardigan off, revealing the camisole and…everything else it had revealed.

Eli's lips parted and curved into a slight smile and I could almost sigh of relief at the reaction I had received. "I've missed you, too. And I have to say in all honesty, I've missed _being with you_ as well. That's new, I presume."

I nodded, taking my bottom lip between my teeth and smiled. "Do you like it?"

"I love-."

"Clare." My heart jumped at the sound of my mother's voice and a knocking on the door. And I wasn't sure what the deal was with people just barging in lately, but she had taken Alli's approach and decided to just enter my room without a proper reply. Which left the situation only extremely awkward as I pulled my sweater back onto my body.

"Oh," she stated. "I didn't know you were…skyping. The hospital called." I shut my eyes tightly at the words, knowing that Eli had overheard her and just nodded.

"The hospital?"

"Okay," I told her, ignoring Eli's concerned questioning. "Okay, well um, I'm talking to Eli so can this wait?"

I saw my mom nod, knowingly and shut the door behind her. I sighed and scratched the back of my head a bit before looking back at the screen, taking in Eli's concerned expression and look of worry. This was exactly the conversation that I had been trying to avoid.

"What hospital? What's going on, are you okay?"

"It's nothing," I sighed, trying to search my brain for some sort of excuse so that we didn't have to have this conversation quite yet. "It's really nothing. I just was sick and they did some tests and stuff to see what it was. But it's just like, the flu or something."

"People don't have tests done at the hospital for the flu, Clare. Should I be worried?"

I laughed nervously and shook my head. "No, no of course not. I'm fine, trust me. But I think I just need to go check with my mom about some things. I promise next time we skype I'll make sure there are no interruptions. But no worrying, alright? Everything's fine."

Eli nodded, unconvinced, but just settled on giving me a slight smile instead of protesting. He knew that whatever was going on, I wasn't going to budge on the issue right then. But he knew something was up, which was the one thing I had been trying to avoid.

"I can make no promises. Except for that I love you. I'll call you tomorrow."

I smiled. "I love you, too, Eli. Talk to you tomorrow, then."

Before anything else could be said, I clicked the little red "end call" button, hanging up on the boy and closed my laptop. With a sigh I pushed the computer down to the foot of my bed and rested my head in my hands. He knew. He knew there was something going on and there was no way I was going to be able to avoid telling him much longer. Which I guess was a good thing but at the same time I didn't want to tell him. I didn't want to. I didn't want him to worry, to freak out, to come all the way back to Toronto and interrupt his film. _I don't want you missing out on anything because of me._

My phone rang a few times next to me, the tone I'd set for Eli ringing through my room. I picked up the device and looked down, opening the new text message from the boy I loved. _"You looked extremely beautiful tonight. You always are – but I loved your new shirt. Get some rest. – Eli" _

Smiling, I clutched my phone to my chest and fell to my back on my mattress, the familiar feeling of butterflies replacing the nerves that had resided in my system only seconds ago. I knew I was going to have to tell him sooner rather than later. But for that moment, I had settled on just enjoying the last few moments of normality that we were going to have. I wasn't sure how long it was going to take for me to beat this, nor was I sure the true severity of the cancer that had invaded my body at all. But I knew that if I had my friends, family and Eli by my side, I could do this. I'd survive.


	4. Chapter 4

**Again thank you guys all for the support! I love reading your reviews! This chapter is a bit longer and a lot of it is filled with kind of medical information. Kind of to explain what is going on with Clare and what is going to happen. Reviews make my life. I hope you enjoy.**

I hadn't gotten much sleep the night prior. My mind was racing, thoughts swarming around way too much. I think I may have gotten two hours tops. All I could do was think about Eli overhearing that the hospital had called. What my mother had told me the night before. What the doctors had said over the phone. I felt like I was dozing off in the car on the ride over to the hospital, which I would've been completely fine with, but the lingering doom that seemed to be there kept me from completely falling asleep.

"So…I've been wanting to talk to you about something for a while." My eyes wandered over to my mom who was driving me over and waited for her to continue. I figured it was something regarding the cancer. Probably something about how I was planning on juggling that and the school at the same time. "You haven't worn your ring in a while. Or I haven't seen it in a while. Did you lose it?"

My eyes widened a bit by the question as I tried to scramble for some sort of excuse in my mind. Sure, I had taken off the ring when Eli had left, obviously because it didn't really serve it's full purpose anymore, and I had known that my mom would notice eventually but I hadn't really thought she'd ask about it. But then again, she usually always questioned everything I did so I guess it shouldn't have been such a shock.

"I figured you've been doing things with Eli. I had a bit of a hunch after Glen told me he brought you home after prom, but last night kind of pieced that together for me."

_The skype date_. I mentally slapped myself and only wished that I could somehow get a lock for my door to prevent future embarrassment. The fact that my mother of all people had walked in on me showing Eli my new lingerie was bad enough. But now that she was commenting on it made it worse.

"Look…I know you're upset and I'm sorry but I love him and I…I wanted to be with him. It's not a mistake and I-."

"Are you safe?" I stared at Helen for a second time and just gaped. What?

"I…of course we are."

She nodded, tapping her thumbs on the steering wheel a few times and just stared ahead at the road. An action that made me feel like she didn't want to look at me after knowing I had broken some huge commandment. My entire life I had been told that sex before marriage was wrong. That that level of intimacy was supposed to be shared between a husband and wife only, nothing beforehand. That was a sin. And I never thought that opinion would change. Even after everything that had happened between her and Glen when they first started dating. I still thought that if it were me, she'd judge me.

"As long as you and Eli are taking necessary precautions and as long as he's not pressuring you. You're able to make your own decisions. And though…I'm upset, I'm only upset because it just means you're growing up."

The stare at my mom held as I tried to process her words in my mind. There I was thinking that I was going to get some huge, long lecture about the horrible sin that was premarital sex. She was going to forbid me from seeing Eli and my life from that moment on would just be one sick, miserable mess.

But she was serious. Genuine. I could tell by the gentleness in her voice, the kindness and the way she turned her head to give me the slightest of smiles, placing her hand on my knee comfortingly. She let out a deep sigh and turned her gaze back to the direction of the road.

"You're growing up so fast, Clare Bear. Both you and Darcy have. And though things have turned out so much differently than I ever imagined, I'm proud of you. No matter what happens, I'm proud of you."

To say that I was shocked was an understatement. Ever since I had even considered having sex with Eli before marrying him, I had always pictured the talk with my mother (since I knew she'd find out – mothers know all) starting with yelling, having a lot of judgment in it and then ending in me slamming the door behind me and heading over to Eli's house. But I never in a million years thought it would end in my mother saying she was _proud of me_.

And I knew she didn't mean it in that context, but that she was proud that I was taking control of my life and doing what I thought was best for myself. Or maybe she was just proud of the type of person I had become. Whatever it was, I wasn't complaining. I'd rather have her sitting there being okay with everything that had happened rather than forbidding me to see my boyfriend ever again. Which had pretty much happened before when she'd seen Eli half naked in my bedroom when we weren't even doing anything remotely sexual. But it was in that moment that I began to see her through a different sort of lens. I knew then I could go to her for anything. And then, more than ever, that was one of the most reassuring realizations I could have.

It wasn't long before we pulled up to the parking lot in front of the hospital and I could feel my nerves begin to act up all over again. The call last night had been urgent. They hadn't said anything specific, but just that I had to come in to go over some test results. Which told me that either it was just really confusing to talk about over the phone or that it was such devastating news that they couldn't possibly say anything over the phone. Or both. And considering that they had given me the information about having cancer over the phone, if the latter was the case, I was extremely concerned.

We walked up to the front desk and checked in, my mom getting a nametag visitor sticker. Whereas, since I was the patient, I didn't need one. Which I thought was a bit bizarre but I didn't comment. I thanked God that it didn't take long at all between getting checked in and being called for my appointment otherwise I knew I'd just sit there and worry about everything that was going to happen. I tried to the best of my ability to convince myself that everything was alright. That they just needed me to come in as procedure to discuss treatments and such. That was all. That was all.

The nurse introduced herself as Rose and took us to a back room, which looked like any typical check up room. They took vitals and weight, sat me up on the examination bed as if there were more things they were going to be looking at. Which I guess was procedure. Thought I wasn't sure what else they were going to need to be checking. Rose looked down at her clipboard and took off a little plastic bracelet, reading over the tag that was securely placed inside. She then handed it to me and pointed to the tag inside.

"Clare, if I could just have you check over all of the information printed on the tag, make sure all of that is correct. Then in a few minutes, Dr. Johnson will be in to talk to you about what the next steps are in regards to treatments and care."

My eyes scanned over my name, birth date and other information that was personal to my knowledge. When I knew it was all correct, Rose helped me snap it into place and cut off the extra part of the band sticking out. I found this strange since the last appointment I had, I wasn't in need of a wristband at all. But the lady reassured me that it was all fine and proceeded to leave the room as Dr. Johnson came in.

He immediately stuck out his hand to shake my mother's and then mine, a warm smile on his face that I knew was only comforting. Because I was certain he wasn't really going to have very good information to tell us unless they had some sort of mix up and I didn't really have cancer.

"Hi, I'm Dr. Larry Johnson. I'll be your doctor through this process. Helping get you situated with procedures and hospital care, everything of the sort. It's good to see you both today, I hope you're doing well. Have you had any other symptoms in the past week since we gave you a call? Any more nose bleeds, pain where the tumor was found, loss of appetite?"

I looked over at my mom as if for some reason she'd answer for me. But she just nodded in my direction and I looked up to the doctor, a bit of a nervous mess due to the entire situation at hand. "Um, I've had one nosebleed. I guess the bump is a bit sore and I haven't been super hungry lately."

Dr. Johnson looked down at his notes and nodded. "Which also helps explain your weight loss." With a bit of a sigh, he pulled up a chair in front of me and my mother, leaning his elbows against his legs and looked me right in the eyes. His now very serious tone seemed to make me tense up a little bit and I wasn't really sure how to sit or look back. I was just uncomfortable.

"Well I'm afraid I can't really give you the greatest of news. You have acute myeloid leukemia. Acute being the term we use to describe a type of leukemia that progress quicker than the others. There are nine different subtypes that we classify this cancer as. There are some that are a bit more common and have a better prognosis, others that are labeled as worse and are a bit more rare.

"With the tests that we have done with the biopsy and blood work and scans that you were here for a few weeks ago, we have found that your subtype is M6. Which has a real name, a bit more fancier, called acute erythroid leukemia. Okay?"

I nodded, pretending like I understood what was going on. The fact that there were 9 subtypes and the one he said I had was M6 concerned me. But I wasn't sure if this went in stages like normal cancer, and the higher the number the worse it was, or if it was completely random. Dr. Johnson could tell that I looked concerned, and I'm sure my mother did as well, so he continued to explain.

"This type of leukemia, I'm sorry to inform you, is one of the more rare and hardest of the type to treat. But you are very young. You have no prior health risks or problems that contribute to this factor. With that said, though, that just means that this will be easier to treat than if you had any other health problems or if you were older. This type of cancer is extremely rare. And spreads extremely quickly. And because of that, there are procedures and precautions that we're going to need to take right now."

"What kinds of procedures are you referring to?" My mother piped in. I took the moment to look over at her to try and get a clue to what she was thinking. But her face, instead of worried or concerned, seemed a bit determined and intense. Like the look she usually had when trying to figure out situations and what was going on.

"Well we're going to start doing chemotherapy right away. It'd be ideal to start as soon as tomorrow since we're competing with time here. The longer the cancer goes untreated, the worse it becomes and the more it spreads."

My heart stopped. Chemotherapy. I had assumed that was what was going to happen but…so soon? Before I could even begin to think of anything to say or do, Dr. Johnson kept explaining.

"The chemotherapy has a few different stages. First we'll start with an induction chemotherapy. Which will last about seven days, it will be transferred into your bloodstream via an IV. And then another seven days for consolidation chemotherapy. Then you will have to have a stem cell transplant, so if you know of any blood donors, please let's get that going as soon as you possibly can. Or we could have arrangements made for the blood bank and we'll find a good match for you."

My mom sat up a bit straighter and kind of leaned forward, as if that would help get any information out in a more clear manner and make more sense. Because if her head was spinning like mine was, not much really made much of any sense at all.

"So when she's done with all of that, what will take place? Is the therapy done? What if the cancer is still there, what do you guys plan to do?"

Dr. Johnson looked back and forth between my mother and I like he was expecting us to have different questions or as if he thought we really knew what was going on. Which I felt like was some sort of doctor mentality. To kind of expect the patients to gain their knowledge without explaining much of anything. And in this situation it was pretty obnoxious. I just wanted to know if I was going to make it or not.

"Well I can tell you right now that remission will not be possible for you after the first round of chemotherapy and transfusion. It's going to take some time. There will be a month between each round of chemo to let your body relax and take in the medications and blood and try and fight it off. There are often months of treatments, possibly years in some cases."

"So…I could be doing chemo therapy off and on for a few years?"

The doctor sighed again and pressed his lips together. Ultimately I thought that meant yes. And it wasn't something that I was excited for at all. I was actually quite depressed in that moment but…whatever it took to beat this thing.

"In most cases that have an average prognosis, yes, that would be the case. But your type of leukemia is very rare. You're pretty sick there, Miss Edwards. With the rarity of your cancer and the stage that you're in, the lifespan of most people diagnosed is about 36 weeks."

I froze. My mind tried hard to process what was spoken by my doctor. For some reason I thought he had said that my _lifespan_ was _36 weeks_. But that couldn't be right. That couldn't be true. I mean, I knew that there was a chance that I…wouldn't make it. There's always that possibility with cancer. But it was like I wasn't even given a chance. That was it. That was it, I was done. I had 36 short weeks and I was done.

I heard my mother gasp next to me and I looked over to see the tears beginning to flood from her eyes already. It had hit her right then. She was taking in the information. Absorbing the reality. Her daughter only had 36 weeks left. But my mind wasn't processing it. It was like I was hearing what he said but I wasn't listening to him at all. None of it made sense. None of it none of it. I was supposed to go to school in September. Veep with Drew. Move to Columbia with Eli the next summer. _This isn't happening this isn't happening this isn't happening._

"I'm going to leave you two alone for a few minutes to process this. I know that it is a lot to take in and I'm very sorry to have to give you this information. I will be at the front desk waiting for you two so that we can start talking about your appointment for tomorrow and for your transfer to hospice which I am recommending you move to tonight. We will get a room ready for you, if you want to gather your things. Again I am very, very sorry, Mrs. Martin. Miss Edwards."

And with that he was gone. Out the door. I heard the click or at least I thought I did. I heard his words, though, right? I could hear the sobbing of my mother next to me? I could feel her putting her arms around me and saying things but I didn't…I wasn't really there. It was like I had just frozen in place and I didn't know what to do or say or think. I was frozen. I thought my mother was yelling at me but I didn't know. I didn't know. I couldn't tell. My mind was racing and racing and racing but I didn't know what I was saying. What was going on, what was wrong with me?

_36 weeks_.

I heard my mother's trembling voice then felt her presence leave me. Her arms no longer surrounding my body which was beginning to shake as if it was quicker to comprehend than my mind was. I heard the click of the door once again and for the first time since waking up that morning I was alone. I was alone in this room with my mind burning. It was burning and I was shaking and I didn't understand what was happening. So I stood up.

_8 months. _

I could feel my body shaking and trembling. There were no coherent thoughts that were processing in my mind. All I could do was just sit there and feel my body starting to go into some sort of break down or some sort of shock. The tears just came rushing and I didn't even get the chance to even try to hold them back and it was like that with the sobbing and the cries and everything that came along with it. It was like my entire being went into hyperdrive and overload and I didn't know how to shut off the emotions. I wanted to shut off the emotions, they had to go away.

And I knew there were people there for me. I knew it. There was Alli and Jenna, Jake and Glen and my mother but I just couldn't seem to take it. I needed him. I needed Eli, I needed him there. I couldn't even begin to comprehend the amount of pain that I just felt in my heart from his absence. It was like there was this intense separation that ripped it to shreds and in that moment I didn't know what was more painful. The fact that I couldn't live to see my future with him or the fact that I couldn't see him at all.

But I had to stop pacing, I had to sit down or my legs would collapse beneath me. I was all of a sudden so weak. I was confused because I knew that I had once been so strong. Something happened or snapped in the course of the hour that it sucked every ounce of bravery from my system and I couldn't even hold my own weight.

Leaning my back into the corner of the room, I sank to the floor, pulling my knees to my chest as I heaved and cried and pulled at the sleeves of my sweater with my overly sweaty hands. I reached into my back pocket and pulled out my phone, having a hard time sliding the bar across the screen as it was covered in water from my tears and hands and did my best to get to Eli's contact number. I pressed his icon and held the phone up to my ear, my cries and trembles not becoming any fainter, I didn't even try.

My head spun and ached and I tried to keep my eyes focused on one spot otherwise I knew that I'd get sick. It was the most disgusting feeling in the world. Not even what Asher had done to me could compare to this. I knew I could get over that, I could have people help me with that but I didn't know how I was going to get through this. My body was under attack. My blood, my bones, my internal being. How could I survive such a battle? I didn't even know.

And at the first hello I heard from the other end I just sobbed. There was no greeting on my end. No hello, no question of how the boy was, nothing of the sort. Just a gross, teary sob that kept going and going over and over again. I could hear Eli's panicking voice on the other end try to get some sort of word in to ask how I was but my mind was too filled with the echoes of my cries. There wasn't anything I could think of to say to explain to him the situation so I just muttered the first thing to come from my lips, the one thing that I had kept saying in my mind over and over since I heard the news come from my doctor's mouth.

"Come home, please."

"Clare, what is going on?" his voice added to the echoing in my mind, nothing was solid and nothing was real. It was all just like some dream. Like someone screaming across a field in some hazy, weird dream. Like I was about to pass out and lose it all. "Clare, hey, calm down for a second, what's going on? What's wrong? I can't help if you don't tell me."

"Cancer," I cried. That was all I could cry in a single sentence. There was silence on the other end and I wanted to throw the phone across the room in some frustrated rage that he wasn't here and didn't know what was going on. Though none of it was his fault at all. Not at all. "I- I have c-cancer. Cancer. Leukem-lukemia."

There was a sigh. A deep heavy sigh. I didn't even know what that meant. Was he mad? Why was he mad? I angered him. I knew that was an angry sigh. And I shouldn't have told him. "How long have you known?" that was the only question.

"A w-week. But three. I-I went in the day after prom and there was the bleeding and a lump on my back and my lymph nodes were swollen but I didn't want to worry you and I'm sorry and I'm just so, so sorry. I'm sorry."

"Whoa, whoa, you're going a mile a second, Clare. My god. And you're sure this is happening? Why didn't you tell me when you found out? Where are you?"

I let out sob after sob after sob. Part of me couldn't believe he didn't understand why I hadn't said anything and why he was asking any of these questions at all. Of course I was sure, I wouldn't have been sobbing on the phone if I wasn't. He knew me, I wouldn't do that. Obviously when I wasn't sure before I hadn't said a word. That was how I was.

"I'm sure, the doctors said. I couldn't tell you! How do you tell someone that!? How do you tell the person you love that you have cancer and that you're dying? How do you do that, Eli? I'm at the hospital, but I can't – 36. I have 36 weeks, I can't do this, I'm sorry."

Silence. All there was, was silence. Not even a breath. Nothing, he said nothing. And I couldn't figure out in my mind why there wasn't a single sound on the other end. I knew I didn't hang up and neither had he because the call was still going. The only sounds were the sounds of my sobs and it wasn't the thing that I wanted to be listening to. I didn't know what I wanted to hear or to listen to or what would make me feel better but I knew that wasn't it. It wasn't it.

"You did nothing wrong, don't apologize. You did nothing wrong." There was more silence. "I'm taking the next flight back to Toronto."


	5. Chapter 5

**Once again, thank you guys for all of the reviews on this site as well as the comments on tumblr that I've been receiving. They really make my day, you guys are awesome. With that said, I still love hearing your feedback with each chapter. It makes my day. Hope you enjoy this chapter. **

Whenever I thought about someone having cancer, I thought of someone really frail and fragile. Like if you touched them, they'd break. Skinny bones, hollow cheeks, pale and cracked lips, lifeless eyes. I thought they'd have slower speech. That their throat would be scratchy from illness and from crying. I just pictured looking at someone so completely helpless and sad. But never at any point would I think that picturing someone with cancer would be the same as looking into the mirror.

Which is why I tried to avoid it. There wasn't really much point in getting ready the night before. All I would be doing was going into hospice. Which was just fancy in my books for hospital bed rest. When my mother and I returned home, we informed Glen and Jake of the news. Never in my life had I ever, _ever_ seen Glen get emotional. Never had I ever seen him cry. Until then. It wasn't full on sobbing like my mother had gotten down to an art, but it was enough to let me see just how much he cared. How much I never even imagined.

He walked up and wrapped his arms around my body, just holding me there for a moment before kissing the top of my head and telling me that he loved me. Three more things he'd never, ever done. When it came to parenting, Glen was a good father but he wasn't really the clingy type. My father wasn't either, but he was a little more so than Glen. So seeing him so vulnerable in that moment was something that I knew I would never forget. And though it only lasted a few moments, I knew that it drew me closer to him. His arms had a sense of fatherly security – something I hadn't known in a long time.

Jake hadn't said a single word the entire time I was downstairs. He just stood there and looked at me with this blank expression that I couldn't really read. It was like he was on some different planet. I didn't blame him for it at all. It reminded me of the stare I held with the doctor earlier that day. Like his mind wasn't quite processing what was going on. Like none of this was really happening and he was just staring through a window watching this whole thing play out like a horrible dream. I knew the feeling. I knew the emotion and the expression. It was numbing.

After the news was shared and the tears were shed, I had gone back up to my bedroom to pack the things I would be needing. Comfortable clothing, toothbrush, toothpaste…I wasn't even sure what else I was supposed to take. Maybe photo albums? I packed a few pictures. Some journals. Some books. Looking around my room for anything I had missed, my eyes landed on a little doll sitting on my desk. It was made with white fabric, a little pink, simple, satin dress. The doll's eyes were made from black beads, lips made from red beads. The hair was long, brown yarn. I picked the doll up in my hands and sighed. It was from Darcy. Part of the first package sent home from Kenya. She had sent me a doll one of the little girls in the tribe she was helping with made for her. And it was something I had promised I'd keep and take care of. And it was the only thing tangible I had that she'd given to me. It was going with me.

My memories of my sister were interrupted abruptly by a knock on the doorway. Looking over, I saw Jake standing there. His tall stature casting a shadow into my room. He gave me a slight smile and entered, walking across the floor to sit on my bed, bouncing a bit as he did. He sat with his hands folded in his lap and his gaze at his shoes, not saying a word. I knew that he was probably trying of something _to_ say. That was probably the hardest part out of telling anyone. I didn't know how to say it and they didn't know how to respond. I moved to sit next to him, matching his silence.

"I thought they only put patients in hospice who were terminal," he noted. "People who were terminal and only had a life span up to six months. But that's not you. You, uh, you're living longer than six months. 36 weeks, that's longer. And you're obviously not going to die."

I let out a deep sigh and refused to look over. I refused because I knew that his gaze was now on me. I knew that the look in his eyes had changed from the numbing emptiness they were downstairs and they were pained. I knew because whenever his voice sounded like he was struggling not to cry, his eyes matched. I'd seen it before and I hated seeing it. I hated seeing Jake Martin cry.

"Well. Maybe it's just a precaution. Maybe this hospital is different and their rules aren't the same and…maybe…they're wrong."

Leaning over, I rested my head on his shoulder and swung my legs sideways a bit against my bed. Jake and I had known each other for a good portion of our lives. When we were little, my parents owned a cabin next to his and we'd see each other in the summertime. Over various holidays. It was nice, if I were to be honest. Even though we didn't get along most of the time. And though we had our differences after my mother married his father we somehow always seemed to work them out. We'd moved past the grudges we held from when we had dated and he became, in my opinion, the perfect older brother. And I wouldn't have traded our experiences for the world.

"So you're not going to die, right?" I kept my head rested on his shoulder, still trying to avoid his gaze and shook my head. "Because, you know, I'm kind of used to having you around. And it just…you know it wouldn't be the same without you running around and being annoying all the time and-"

Jake's words stopped suddenly and I heard him take a deep, shaky breath. I lifted my head from his shoulder and looked over to see him pinching his eyes with his hand as if to make the tears stop that were already falling. I remembered the action as something he did when he was a little kid as well. If he slipped in fell or if he had gotten badly hurt in some way, he didn't want anyone to see him cry. So he would kind of rub is eyes with the tips of his fingers to make it stop.

Without hesitation, I wrapped my arms around the boy's torso and leaned my head against his chest. I could his sobs continue and hear him trying to choke back the sound. His arm wrapped around my shoulders as he pulled me closer and tried harder to stop the crying. It was then I realized how heavily this was going to effect people around me. I wasn't the only one whose spirits were going to fade. I wasn't the only one who was going to have bad days. I wasn't the only one who was going to cry. I wasn't the only one who's life was put to a halt for all of this. This was going to effect _everyone. _

Jake and Glen had canceled their trip to B.C. to go mushroom picking. My mom had already taken weeks off of work. Alli and Jenna had to go on with our summer plans without me. And then there was Eli. He wouldn't even let me argue at all when he said he was on his way home. And even though I had told him I didn't want to interrupt anything for him, he'd still acted in his own stubbornness and was, at that moment, on a flight back to Toronto.

"I'm not going to die, I promise," I whispered. "I don't care what the doctor said." I laughed a bit and kept my grip on Jake's shirt tight as some sort of comfort. "I don't care. I'll be okay, I promise."

"You better be."

/

I remember when I was five years old. I had tonsillitis. I was in pain for a long time. I was crying and crying and crying. My mother sat in the back seat with me and held me against her the entire way to the hospital, brushing her fingers through my hair trying to get me to calm down. I knew that I was going to have to have surgery and I was nervous. I was scared that people were going to put me to sleep, take something out of my body and then I'd wake up in pain. That's all that really registered in my mind at the time. But it was enough to give me an upset stomach. Enough to make me so nervous I didn't know what to do with myself.

I remember that this car ride was very similar. No, I wasn't leaning against my mother's side in the back of the car crying my eyes out. But the churning of my stomach was the same. The frantic racing of my mind was the same. The quick beating of my pulse matched the five year old Clare Edwards'. I would be lying to say I wasn't scared. And it wasn't very often that I admitted to such a feeling. But I was a perfectionist. I liked having control over my life. I liked knowing what was going to happen, how it was going to happen and what the ultimate outcome would be. And when I didn't, I'd panic. I was panicking.

Ultimately, I thought that checking into hospice and getting set up would be kind of a nightmare. I thought there would be a lot of questions. But it really just felt like getting ready to go into surgery. Though I never got a robe. I just sat in a hospital bed in my sweats. An IV was inserted into my hand with a loud popping sound, like a soda can being opened. My vitals were checked. My body hooked up to a heart monitor with this little clip that attached to my finger.

Jake and Glen had gone home for the night. It was probably around eight in the evening by the time that I was completely alone. My mom had gone home to fetch a change of clothing for herself. She had insisted that she'd spend my first night in hospice with me. I tried to refuse the offer but she wouldn't hear anything of it. She'd just sleep in the arm chair that was next to the table by my bed. It wasn't very comfortable looking but she didn't seem to mind one bit. Not at all.

Sleep was coming quickly, I could tell. And I hadn't realized I was so exhausted until I was surrounded by silence, other than the heart monitor beeping next to me to indicate I still had a heartbeat. But it was an easy sound to tune out after a while. It was just background noise. And it was actually kind of peaceful in some weird kind of way. I knew that my eyes had closed and I had started to drift off pretty well. I was kind of in between that conscious stage but not fully knowing what was going on. That stage where you'd forget what had happened as soon as you woke up. That was until I heard the door open slowly, the squeakiness pulling it out of my descending coma.

"Sleeping Beauty, you're awake before the kiss."

I turned my head at the sound of the familiar voice and felt the faintest of smiles creep onto my lips. After shutting the door carefully, Eli Goldsworthy made his way across the room and stood in front of my bed, his hand reaching out to take mine gingerly. It was weird seeing him. After three weeks of his absence. And due to the fact we hadn't planned on meeting up again until October.

What I thought would be a marvelous reunion filled with tears and kisses and hugs was just the opposite. Both of us kept silent for what felt like hours. Just staring at each other, his hand still holding mine. It wasn't uncomfortable at all, though. It was just…loving. And even though I could've held that gaze for what felt like could be the rest of my life, and though I loved looking into his adoring gaze, I just couldn't. Because Eli being _here_, meant Eli wasn't _there_. Acting as assistant producer on Brett Barnet's new film. Something I knew the boy had been over the moon excited about. It was a dream come true. And I had taken that away from him.

"Do…do all the people on the set know you're here?" I asked, instantly wishing that I hadn't.

Eli sighed, running his thumb over the top of my hand. "Of course they do. And they completely understand. In fact, they encouraged me to come here."

"But you were looking forward to working on that film, Eli, and I told you not to miss out on anything because of me."

"You also told me to come home." I looked back up to Eli. His eyes had changed from their loving stare to a gaze of worry and fear. I knew that look. I knew that look all too well. His mind was racing. I just knew it. Eli moved to grab a small stool and sat next to my bed, returning his hand to mine. "And I know you wouldn't have said that if you weren't really, really in trouble. You have this thing that you do, you hide your issues from me if they interfere with something I want to do. I know you, I knew this was serious. And even if you hadn't said those words, just you telling me what was going on, I would've come back anyway."

I knew that the boy was right and I inwardly cursed at myself for saying anything so soon. Eli had barely gotten there and now I had dragged him back to Toronto. I felt like a weight he couldn't shake off.

"Eli, you're going to have to go back, though. This film is a once in a lifetime opportunity. I'll be here when it's done."

He shook his head and I could see the tears starting to well up in his eyes. I instantly became guilty. I hated seeing Eli cry. I _hated_ it.

"There will be other movies, Clare. There will be other opportunities. I'm only eighteen. I have a lifetime of movies ahead of me and frankly I could care less about the Brett Barnet film right now. But you? Clare, if you're as sick as you say you are, you…might not be here when I get back. And if I were to lose you again just because I wasn't willing to leave a project, I'd regret that for the rest of my life. I'd go insane. All over again."

"So you're here...until university starts?"

Eli smiled and squeezed my hand. "I'm here until you kick this thing's ass, Edwards."

"And what if I don't?"

"You're strong."

"But what if I'm not _that_ strong?"

The silence filled the room again. I stared at Eli as he stared at our hands. As if them intertwined gave him some sort of inspiration to say something or some sort of strength not to just lose it in front of me. I knew that he was trying. I was trying, myself. I wasn't doing a very good job, though, seeing as the tears had already started falling down my face and I was taking deep breaths in and out to stop from completely breaking down.

"You're as strong as you think you are. You're going to beat this thing. And we'll get that studio in Brooklyn. You'll go to Columbia. We'll both graduate. We'll get married, have however many babies you want and we'll live happily ever after."

"Because we're a fairytale," I laughed, thinking back to prom just a few weeks before. I had wished that we could go back to that moment. When everything was so perfect and simple and the only thing I was worried about was Eli having to spend the summer away from my love. If only we could go back to that one night before everything shattered.

"We're the best fairytale out there. We put those Brothers Grimm stories to complete shame."

"Well they all end in tragedy," I noted.

Eli nodded, leaning over to kiss my lips. I had missed the beautiful feeling of how his lips felt against mine. Like nothing else in the world had mattered except for that sweet, sweet gesture.

"That's why this is better. This won't."


	6. Chapter 6

**Chappppter 6. This chapter is basically just fluff because it kind of needs it. So. There should be nothing to cry over, unless you cry over fluff then sorry about that. Thank you guys for all the reviews. I love hearing from you and hope to hear more. **

**And after this chapter, I won't be updating for a while just because my life is kind of consumed and I just really won't be able to at all. I'll pick it up again when I'm able to, though. **

_35_

"One Cesar Salad for m'lady." Putting down my book, I looked over to see Eli Goldsworthy walking into my hospice room with a Styrofoam box filled with lettuce, croutons and dressing on the side. He handed me the food with a plastic fork and sat down on the stool that was now perpetually placed beside my bed. "Trust me, I would've gotten you something more exciting but this was the only thing that looked…edible."

I smiled and picked at the food with the fork and listened to Eli rant about how the food in the cafeteria should be a bit healthier, considering it was a hospital hospice center. Eli had been home in Toronto for a week at that point, everyday reminding me that he'd rather be with me to see me get better and to keep me company than to be on Brett Barnet's film acting as assistant producer. It was still something I had felt guilty for no matter how many times he'd said it was what he preferred.

Within that week, I had already started and finished my first string of chemotherapy and was getting ready to start the next. Week two. In all honesty, chemo wasn't as horrible of a process as I thought it would be. When I thought about it before, or just heard about someone having it, I'd think of some intensive treatment with lots of steps and work involved. But really, the doctors would come in with this medical bag, full of fluid. They'd hang it on my IV stand along with a bag full of "flushing fluid", which I was pretty sure was just water.

First they'd flush and cleanse the IV tube and my veins. Then came the chemo. Then another flush. It was a process that lasted about two and a half hours. Two and a half hours of sitting and watching this fluid cancer killer run through a plastic tube, through a tiny needle and into my body. And if I found from experience, that if I didn't take my medication (Zofran as they called it) 30 minutes before the chemo, that's when the nausea would take place.

And then would come the stem cell transplant. The doctors had come to the conclusion that instead of doing a bone marrow stem cell transplant, they'd just need to do blood. Which was a relief to me and for my mother. Because that meant they wouldn't have to take the bone marrow from someone else. But there was still the issue of getting a blood match from someone else. Something we hadn't really thought about yet.

I think I had picked at my salad more than I had eaten it. Chemo had this way of sucking the appetite out of you. And so did cancer. So the two combined didn't really help my eating situation. In the past moth, I had probably lost about ten pounds. Which wasn't completely horrible but it wasn't really healthy either. But at the same time, it was expected.

Noticing that I wasn't really eating much and more just playing with my food, Eli leaned over and took the fork from my hand abruptly. I watched him scoop up some of the salad and start to have a few bites himself. And when I thought about it, the entire time Eli had been there I hadn't seen him eat. Not once. And the boy was by my side practically 24/7, only leaving when the nurses kicked him out. He was probably starving.

"Still not hungry?" he asked. There was an obvious answer to that question. So I handed the foam container over to him and watched as he devoured the salad. Part of me was actually quite guilty that he'd been sitting there all that time without any food and that was because of me. When I had told him I didn't want him to miss out on anything because of my issues, that also meant proper nutrition.

I sighed and threw my head back on my pillow, leaning against my adjusted bed. Even though Eli was here and I had numerous visits from Alli and Jenna, I had to admit I was bored. And if this was only the start of week two, the next few months I knew already were going to be the absolute worst when it came to entertainment.

"So," I stated, looking over at Eli who was picking at every last bit of lettuce he could devour. "Anything exciting happening lately? How are your parents? I'm sure they're glad that you're home, right? You haven't really been updating me much on you since you've been here."

Eli shrugged. "Well considering I spend almost every waking moment here with you I don't think there's much you need to be filled in on. But, Cece and Bullfrog are doing great. They hate that you're ill. So do I. But being home is nice. And I think it's exactly what I need before completely taking off to NYU."

"So you're going when school starts, right?" I had remembered what Eli said the night he'd gotten there. That he'd stand by my side in this hospice room until I kicked the cancer to the curb. But we both knew that he'd have to go back at some point. He couldn't give up that spot there no matter what. A film was one thing, university was a completely different ball game.

"Orientation starts on September twenty-third. So I'll be here until then. And I'll visit every other weekend and you can skype me as much as your little heart desires."

I smiled and leaned up to kiss him, letting my lips linger contently a bit longer against his. I had missed the affection since he'd been gone, for sure. And I did love the sweet kisses here and there that we shared but it was a proven fact, proven by me in particular lately, that chemo left some not to be desired aftertaste somehow and made just about everything you ate a bit gross. Which also made me feel like whenever I kissed Eli, he'd pick up on the grossness that was my medication. But there was never a complaint or comment. Which was either him being supportive or (hopefully) him being oblivious to the matter.

"I also have a bit more news for you. Your doctors were going to tell you…but I wanted to give you the news myself."

Perking up from my bit of paranoia wondering if Eli could tell if I had chemo breath or not, I looked straight at him. At first I thought it would be something bad. Something like, there was some new sort of cancer attacking my system. Which was something that had been in my mind. Leukemia was a blood disease. So I wasn't really sure how that could translate to other types of cancers but I wasn't going to just assume that it wasn't possible. But when I saw the smirk on his face, I started to wonder if it was some sort of groundbreaking news. Like that I didn't have cancer.

"This is all a mistake and I can go home with you tonight?" I smiled brightly and only earned a kind of sad chuckle from the boy.

"As much as I'd _love_ bringing you home with me tonight in every way I know you didn't imply, I can't do that." Sigh. Figured. "But I do have some good news for you about your stem cell transplant. We found you a donor."

I raised an eyebrow and just stared at Eli for a moment. This was his good news? His groundbreaking happy, feel better news? That they've found me a donor for my transplant? I didn't mean that the news wasn't fantastic because it was. But…it hadn't really been something I was worried about. My mom had her blood tested and the doctors said they found a match. So I didn't understand why Eli was trying to get me all excited about this.

"Yeah, my mom was tested like a week ago. Sorry, Eli, but I know that I've got a match. I appreciate your excitement though."

Eli crinkled his eyebrows together, in the way he did like he was confused by every single syllable that left my lips. Which in most cases and especially this one, made me very confused as well.

"Your mom got tested but she's not a match." I felt my mouth drop a bit. Was that even possible? I knew some about biology but I wasn't that familiar with these types of medical situations. That was more up Alli's lane. "So they tested Glen and Jake. Which would be more unlikely to find a match since you're not related. Nothing. And…so Helen called your dad."

I pressed my lips together and looked away. The subject of my father wasn't my favorite. Recently he had gotten remarried to _Irene_ and packed up his new family to Victoria B.C. Which was on the other side of the country. I knew that Helen had told him about the cancer situation and I knew he was upset. But that didn't mean he'd come over to see me. Just a text asking if I was alright. That was it. One text.

I knew that he had a new family and that his work was consuming but I had thought that he'd understand. That since I was his _real daughter_, he'd at least come to see me. But I was wrong. He'd completely moved on and just left us here. And I couldn't lie, I was pissed. And I wanted to hate him. So if he wouldn't even talk to me or come to visit, why was he doing this?

"He's the donor?"

"Um…no…" Eli sighed, conveniently avoiding my gaze. "He didn't get tested."

"So he _could_ have donated blood for the transplant but we'd never know because he's too ashamed to see his daughter that he abandoned when he let some skank take over his life."

Eli reached out and took my hand in his again. He knew that the topic of my father was a rough one so he barely brought it up. Why he'd even mentioned that my father wouldn't even test was beyond me. I'd be perfectly fine without such information anyway. Perfectly fine.

"That's why I got tested as well."

My eyes widened at the realization at what Eli was referring to. He had gotten his blood tested. And…he was a match?

"Eli…"

The boy moved to sit on the edge of my bed, his hand still in mine and a great big smile on his face. It suddenly made sense why he'd asked the doctors to hold back that information until he said something. He wanted this to be kind of a moment for us. I knew that Eli loved me. I knew from all the times our relationship fell apart and yet no matter what, he never gave up on trying to fix things for us. I knew because he'd waited for me for so long and that even if I had never changed my mind on sex, I knew he'd wait until our wedding night if he had to. I knew from the way he looked at me and how he dropped one of the biggest opportunities in his lifetime to come help me. In the hospital. But as much as those actions proved it…there was something about him saying he was going to donate his blood that made me feel that butterfly feeling all over again. He was giving a part of himself to me that no one else was able to. And he was ultimately giving me life.

"You…you'd do that for me?"

"Clare, I'd do anything for you." The boy leaned in and kissed me again, my thoughts wandering for another time upon the chemo taste in my mouth. "This is really no big deal. I've got plenty of blood in me to be alright. And you need some to help you beat this. I've been so frustrated that I can't do anything for you. Can't help you in some way. I can be there for you but that's it. But this way...I can actually help you get better."

"Eli, you've been doing enough. Just being _here_ is more than I can ask for. I mean, I know I did but you being here is helping me get better. It's like motivation."

"But I want to take this away from you. I…I _hate _seeing you like this. Sick and depressed and not able to enjoy your summer." Eli paused for a moment, his eyes beginning to water as he tried not to just break down right there. "And I now I can't cure you, but this is as close as I can get. So I'm taking it. You've saved me from destruction countless times, Clare. I need to do this. I love you."

"I love you too. Just…I want you to know that even if you weren't a match it doesn't mean that you're not doing anything for me. Just the fact you left _the_ Brett Barnet's film to be here is enough. More than enough. But thank you. Thank you so much."

"Well I'm glad you approve. Because I already donated the blood." Rolling up his sleeve, Eli showed me where he still had a bandaid over a spot on his inner arm. "You can never get rid of me, Edwards. I'll always be a part of you."

"I guess we've taken our relationship to the next level. Didn't think that was still possible."

"Well I still have yet to propose so we still have a few more to conquer."

Eli laughed and picked up my hand, staring down at where a little silver ring had once been. The fact that I no longer wore the piece of jewelry still shocked me, in all honesty. Just a year ago, I didn't think I'd ever be taking that next step until after marriage but now I was glad tat I had changed my mind. Jenna and Alli had warned me about all the awkward things that a first time would bring, and all that they'd described was merely physical.

And they were right. It was a little awkward and maybe a little painful but, they never mentioned how incredible the emotional factor could be. Or maybe that was because I knew that Eli wouldn't only be my first, he'd be the only one. And as far as I was concerned, that was the best part.


	7. Chapter 7

**Hello! Thank you guys all again for all of the reviews and support with this story! Seriously, it means so much when you guys review. Sorry for the wait on this chapter, I just haven't been able to write lately. This is also a bit short, so sorry about that. But I do hope you enjoy it! Your reviews make my day :)**

_34_

The looks on their faces were genuine, I could tell that. Considering I could spot a look of fake Alli remorse from a mile away. I'd seen her give the fake one on so many occasions to so many different people. Mainly when someone she was dating was in the doghouse. But if they had gotten Alli's fake apologetic look, they deserved every single ounce of sarcasm she packed in there. But this time it was different. This was truly upset Alli.

"Clare, I'm so sorry," she muttered for what was probably the twentieth time since she arrived in my hospice room ten minutes earlier.

"It's fine, really it's okay."

"No it isn't! This was supposed to be our year, our trip! Come on, Clare, we've been looking forward to going to Paris all together since Christmas break."

I shrugged my shoulders, as if the fact that my two best friends were going on our grand senior trip didn't bother me. But it wasn't their fault. So I couldn't act like it was.

"Alli, it's really okay. You and Jenna are going to have fun together and I'll live vicariously through your photos. Besides, now I can look forward to a whole Alli ramble fest when I get back. You can tell me all about it."

"She's right," Jenna piped in. "Because if I know anything about Clare, she'll just sit here and be mad that we're here and not in Paris."

_Or I'd be happy that I have friends with me here._ "See? Exactly. Now you guys have to be at the airport in an hour, right? So go."

Alli rolled her eyes and smiled, her way of admitting defeat and gave me a hug that made me wonder if I was going to need a lung transplant as well. The two waved goodbye and wished me luck with my treatments, promising me that they'd come back with plenty of stories, pictures and souvenirs. And then there was one.

As much as I hated to admit it, I was extremely disappointed that I couldn't go with them. Like we'd said over and over and over again, we had been planning since Christmas vacation that we were all going to go to Paris together. Sort of as a bonding trip before our senior year of high school started. It was a place I had dreamed of visiting since I was a little girl.

I couldn't go, though. Not with my treatments and definitely not with my transfusion starting the next day. Something that in all honesty I was completely nervous about. And not being able to go out for the summer with my best friends was truly devastating. But I did have to be grateful for the fact that Eli had taken the summer off of being an assistant on the film of his dreams to be with me. I couldn't just expect everyone to drop everything and be by my side at every moment. That wouldn't be fair to them. Though I knew that this whole thing was going to effect those close to me in my life, I didn't want to, in a sense, drag them down with me. They needed to live. This couldn't drain them, too.

Sighing, I ran my hand through my hair, which I instantly discovered was probably the wrong thing to do. Because if I wasn't depressed enough over the Paris deal, along with bringing my hand into my lap, I brought a chunk of my hair with it. I knew that people could lose their hair when they went through chemo. My doctors had even asked if I wanted to cut it all off before the treatments began that first day. Because I really only had two options in all of this: shave my head then or let it fall out on its own. I had chosen option B.

Looking down at my hand, I looked at the hair that was tangled between my fingers. Bit by bit it was falling out from the chemo, from the sickness. I remembered when I first found out about the cancer. When I first cried. When I broke in the room when they told me how long they thought my life would be. I always thought that through struggles, there's always this one breaking point of realization. The moment you realize that things were really bad, and that this thing was really happening. But it wasn't until _that_ moment that I realized, there were going to be multiple moments like that. Each time I ran into another obstacle, this thing would become more and more real. And that terrified me.

I threw the hair into the trash bin next to my bed and leaned back, ignoring the knock on the door that came seconds later. When the door opened, I looked over to watch as Eli entered the room, hands in his pockets and a wide smile on his face. I gave him a half hearted smile in return and sighed.

"Well hello to you, too," he joked. I wasn't in the mood. Eli took a seat in the bed next to me and draped his arm around my shoulders, pulling me closer to his side. "What's wrong?"

"My hair is falling out." I tilted my head to look at the boy next to me, to see what his reaction would be.

He pressed his lips together and kind of let out a small sigh. The kind I knew translated to, "I don't know what to tell you, babe".

"It'll grow back," he told me. "Don't worry about it, just worry about getting better. That's all you need to do."

"I know, but that's not the point, Eli." Eli opened his mouth to say something but I cut him off, suddenly angered by the situation. "_My hair_ is falling out. It doesn't matter that it'll grow back later because it's falling out _now_. I can barely eat without getting sick, I'm losing my hair, I'm stuck in the hospital and I'm missing the trip of a lifetime with my best friends who are on their way to Paris right now without me. And I'm not supposed to think about any of that?"

I turned over onto my side, facing away from Eli. It wasn't really him that I was angry at, I was just frustrated about the entire situation. I wanted to go to Paris with Alli and Jenna. I wanted to go out and go for a walk or something. I wanted to have my hair stay in my head instead of coming out every time I brushed it. I didn't want to have to rely on medications to save my life. Eli's arm left my shoulders as I turned and could tell he was confused by my sudden outburst.

"I know it sucks right now, but you're going to be okay-."

"I'm not going to be okay!" I sat up and looked over at Eli, feeling my face getting hotter and tears stinging my eyes. It was like I couldn't even go a day without crying anymore. "If I was going to be okay you wouldn't be here! You'd be in New York doing your assistant whatever and I wouldn't be in _hospice_ with thirty four weeks tagged left."

Eli sighed and sat up, placing his hand on my leg. I moved my leg a bit for him to get the hint that I really didn't want anyone touching me at the moment but he just kept it there, staring at me.

"Clare, you're going to get through this, okay? It's going to take a lot of effort and you're going to be sick and tired out of your mind, but you're going to beat this. You just need to be optimistic."

"I have _leukemia_, Eli," I told him, sternly. The tears were now running down my cheeks and there wasn't really much I could do to stop it at this point. I was too frustrated. "I have a disease that's _killing me_. It's not getting any better! Every time I'm optimistic, something happens that makes me feel like an idiot for thinking that way in the first place! It's not. Going. To get. Any. Better. Do you not get that!?"

I yelled at Eli like he was the one who made this whole thing happen. I yelled at him like the cancer was his fault. It wasn't. But I couldn't take it anymore. I needed to vent, I needed to scream and cry and just…take it out on _something_. I was so frustrated and angry and it was just building up and building up. There wasn't anything I could do. I just had to sit here while the doctors tried all that they could to save me. And I was forever grateful for that but…there was only so much patience I could take. And this was just the beginning.

Standing up, Eli took another look at me and tried to smile. "You just need to calm down and get some rest." And with that he slowly walked towards the door and headed out. Just like that. The same door I had just watched Alli and Jenna walk out of to head off to Paris. I knew that Eli wasn't going anywhere far, but still. I still felt alone. And this time it was my fault.

I ran my fingers through my hair once again, discarding the strands that came out as I did so. If this was how my hair was going to be, then I knew that there was going to be a struggle between maintaining it and feeling somewhat okay with what was happening with my body. My solution? I had to cut it off.

I didn't shave it. I couldn't do that. I felt like cutting all of my hair completely off at this point would be like giving all of the control over. And I still needed that a little bit. In a situation that was completely out of my control, I knew that I had to still have some grip on what was going on. So my mother called my nurse, who called in a hair dresser. A personal friend of hers, apparently, who has shaved or cut a lot of hair for cancer patients. She cut it for free.

Buzzed on one side, super short. But enough on the top that I could brush it all over to one side and have it not look like a "cancer cut" as she would call it. It just looked like I decided to drastically alter my appearance. Something I had done once before, at the beginning of grade 10. But even if I did still have some hair left, I still cried. I still wished that I didn't have to do it. I wished that I didn't have to lose anything going through this. I wished just having leukemia was enough. But it wasn't.

I wondered what else I'd be losing. My summer. My hair. The trip of a lifetime with my best friends. My dignity as I constantly puked in front of people without being able to stop myself. My health. My strength. And I knew that by the end of this all I could potentially lose my life as well. I knew that I had to accept that, and in some ways I already had. My outburst in front of Eli earlier that day proved it. But at the same time, I didn't just want to give up. There was still a part of me that thought that I could get through this. No matter what the odds were that were against me. I didn't want to just throw it all away.

Looking in the mirror, I ran my hand through my hair for the millionth time that day. A little bit of hair fell. Not nearly as bad as it had been before, but it still was a bit depressing. I just had to get used to the fact that this was going to keep happening. Bit by bit, my hair would eventually all fall out. Bit by bit, I'd lose whatever physical strength I had left. Whatever apatite I had, whatever motivation I had. It was all going to fade away eventually. But not then. For the time being, I was going to hold onto whatever I had left. I had to.


	8. Chapter 8

**Thanks again for all the reviews and comments! The support with this story really means a lot. Thankfully this chapter is a bit longer than the other one haha. I'm still on an overload of feels from the episode last night, holy cow. But yes. I hope you like this chapter. Feedback is lovely, I love your guys' reviews :)**

_31_

I knew it was going to be bad news. I knew if from the moment the doctor walked into my room. The stress that outlined his facial features, his stature, the way he stood in front of my mother, Eli and I. The second I saw him I got this sinking feeling in the pit of my stomach. I hated it. I was already feeling sick and this just made it worse. The rash that had appeared on my side, the fever, the extreme nausea. In the past three weeks since the stem cell transplant, I had slowly started becoming ill. With something other than cancer. So of course, tests were done, I had numerous check ups and vitals were checked basically every hour. And now we were going to find out what other illness I had acquired.

"Graft-verses-host-disease," he said, solemnly. "It's kind of like an infection. What's happening right now, the reason why you're feeling so sick, is because the immune cells that were transplanted into your system are now attacking your own body cells. It's treatable. But with the medication you'll be taking there are just going to be side effects. Like weight gain, your skin may break out a bit, you're going to feel sick to your stomach. Things like that."

I stared at my doctor blankly. Not a word out of my mouth. The transfusion that was supposed to be saving my life was…killing me? It was unsettling. And infuriating considering no one had mentioned such a disease before the transplant. There was no warning, no "this could happen" speech, _nothing_. They just decided to tell me after I already got it.

This couldn't _actually_ be a possibility here, could it? I was already sick all the time. My body was all out of whack. I looked like hell and felt like it as of now. And the medicine had the same side effects. It was never ending.

"And because of this infection and the medicine you'll be taking, the steroid treatment is going to be reduced to a lower level. You won't have as much energy as you would have at the full dose but this way, we're trying to keep your immune system as in tact as we possible can so that you can fight this off."

My mom looked over at Eli and I and then back to the doctor. She was worried. She was always worried. I wondered how long it had been since she really got a full night's rest. Probably not since I'd been in hospice.

"How long will it take to recover from?" Thank God for my mother's mind thinking clearly enough to actually ask questions. Because Eli and I were at a loss for words at this stage.

"A few weeks. Your next round of chemo will start in two weeks as planned, we'll just be keeping an eye on this infection."

"Are there any other risks you should be telling us about?" I piped in. Because they hadn't said anything about this. They hadn't said anything about me becoming sicker like this from my treatments. They were so hush-hush about different things it was hard to know what I'd be dealing with later down the line.

"As of right now, no. Though it does weaken your immune system and strength quite a bit. And…you could face a higher risk of relapse in your cancer later on down the road. You just have to make sure you're always aware of the possibility. We'll start you on the medication right away."

The doctor smiled as he left, something he always did that slightly annoyed me especially after giving me news like me having another disease or complication. My mom told us she was going out to call Glen and Jake, who had (by my mother's will) gone on their trip to B.C. just a few days prior. Thus leaving Eli and I alone for the first time all day.

"Clare-."

"It's okay," I interrupted, before I even knew what he was about to say. Though I had an idea it was going to be something along the lines of an apology. Which really wasn't necessary. "It's just one obstacle but with medicine it'll be okay."

"This is my fault," he sighed. "This is my fault. It was my blood and…and somehow it wasn't good enough for you body and I am so, _so _sorry."

Eli, sitting down on my bed next to me, held my hands in his and leaned down and kissed me ever so gently. I sighed as he pulled away and shook my head.

"Eli, it's not your fault. You didn't know this was going to happen and it wasn't your blood. It's my body. It's just…not working like it should. But you heard the doctor, they can fix it."

I gave Eli as optimistic of a smile as I possibly could. In all honesty, I wasn't really sure if they could fix it or not. Just because of how everything else was turning out to be. I really hoped they could but there was still that part of me that didn't think getting better was actually possible. I was on a downhill slope and I was going super, _super_ fast.

Having cancer was like being on a rollercoaster. One that was at the last hill and only went down. You knew when you got to the top that it was going to be a terrifying drop and then the ride would be over. You couldn't scream at the mechanics to stop the ride. You couldn't get off. You just had to sit there screaming with your eyes closed until you reached the bottom. And then it was over. But I didn't want to reach the "over" part quite yet.

"I'm really proud of you, you know? If anyone can beat this, it's you." Eli paused for a moment and let out another sigh. His eyes dropped from mine as he looked down to our hands that were still locked together. There was something going through that mind of his and I had to figure out what it was.

"You can't beat yourself up over this, Eli. It's really not your fault."

He nodded. "I know. I…I'm going to have to go back to New York a bit early."

My smile faded. "What? Why? I thought university didn't start for three more weeks?"

"It doesn't." I raised an eyebrow, waiting for the explanation. "There's just…another film project. Something that a bunch of freshman NYU film students are starting for a head start for media class. And I agreed to help."

I stared at him. I wanted to understand what he was saying, I really did. He was going back to New York. For school. Because he wanted to get a head start. But…he had just arrived. Hadn't he?

"You're…you're leaving?"

"Tonight … I know it's sudden but, this is a great chance for me to get really involved."

I let go of Eli's hands and stared at him. _Tonight?_ I shook my head a bit and tried to process the information. That Eli was _leaving_. _Tonight_.

"But you said you'd help me through this," I reminded him, feeling my voice starting to break once again. "You- you were going to stay…"

Eli sighed and reached for my hands again but I pulled away, suddenly feeling more angry and hurt than anything. "I know but I really have to get this done, Clare. It's for university. And I said I'd stay until I have to leave for that. It just turns out it's a little sooner than we planned."

Oh it was sooner than we had planned. About three weeks sooner. And I was preparing myself for the departure again but the fact that he hadn't even _told me_ that he was leaving right away aggravated me to no end. He said he was going to help me though this. That he'd be there for me and he was _leaving_. Again.

"Eli, y-you can't just…_leave_. You just got here! And you said you'd be there for me, I- I'm...I have this…infection thing. Eli, I need you."

I felt the tears beginning to roll down my cheeks. It was about the millionth time I had cried. Cried in front of Eli. In front of anyone. And frankly I was getting sick and irritated of breaking all the time. Of losing control of my emotions all the time. But as much as I tried not to, I just couldn't help it. I just broke. Alli was gone. Jenna was gone. Glen and Jake were gone. My mother was working at almost all hours…I was alone. If Eli left, I'd be alone.

"Clare-."

"Eli, you can't leave! Y-you can't! I need you, you don't understand. I just…Eli you're all I have right now, you can't just…you can't just go, you don't understand! You can't."

"I wish it wasn't like this but I have to go tonight. I need to get a head start on this project so that I can dive straight into NYU. I'll be back to visit when I can, you know that."

"But if you're not here…I can't do this, Eli. I can't do this without you, I really can't. I don't have anyone else. Alli and Jenna are in Paris, Jake and Glen are in B.C., my sister is God knows where. You're the reason I have to do this…because of you and- and our plans and that apartment we were going to get? Eli, you can't leave. _Please_."

Reaching out, I grabbed Eli's hands between my own like he had tried to do earlier. This time he was the one to freeze up. I didn't understand it. I didn't get it. I didn't get why _he _didn't get it. Couldn't he see that he was the _last_ person I had left in the situation? He couldn't just go. He wouldn't do that. He had left being the assistant on that film to come here so why would he suddenly just leave? This couldn't be happening. He couldn't just go, he couldn't.

Eli slowly stood up and looked down at me. His eyes were all watery, matching mine. Though mine were an ocean at this point. Part of me thought he was going to stay. I really did. And I wished I was right.

"I'm not all you have, Clare. There are so many other people who love you and support you. I'm sorry I can't stay…I'm so sorry about that."

"Then don't come back."

I stared at Eli, trying to get my breathing and crying under control as he just watched me. His expression changing from sad as before to completely and utterly confused. He took his hands out of his pockets and dropped them to his side, taking a step closer to my bed.

"If you walk out that door then don't come back. If you're leaving then…you're leaving. You leaving _me _so if you leave don't come back!"

"Clare you're being completely irrational. I'm going to college-."

"Get out!"

He opened his mouth as if he were going to say something, but never did. He just turned, paused, walked towards the door and left. Before I had really realized what I had said he was gone. I didn't know why I had told him to go and not come back. I was just angry. Frustrated and so hurt. But I knew that this was going to hurt so much worse. Because now he was gone in any way I could imagine. And there was nothing I could do to get him back this time.

\

_30_

3:30 pm. Alli and Jenna should have been on a plane coming home home from Paris. Everyone else who went on the summer trip was. But somehow the two had convinced Alli's parents to let them stay in the city for two more weeks, getting home two days before school started. Grade 12. Senior year. The year that I was supposed to be VPing. But no. Instead I was in hospice. Fighting off some freaking infection from a stem cell transplant that was supposed to be saving my life.

The only thing crossing my mind was the fact that there was a very small percent chance that I was going to make this. That I'd beat it. My doctors even said so. And they said so _often_. The only one on the team of medically intelligent people who was optimistic about the situation was my hospice nurse, Rose. She seemed to be the perfect mix of realistic and optimistic. Where as my doctors were the bad cop and Eli was the good cop. I loved his optimism, I really did. But sometimes it was more discouraging than uplifting. Just because I knew he'd be wrong.

Rose would tell me what the doctors did in terms of what could go wrong. But she'd also tell me that that's not how every single case went. Not every single person diagnosed with the type of leukemia I had died. So if not everyone died from it, there had to be _some_ people to make up the percentage that lived. And why shouldn't that be me? I loved the way she encouraged me. But at the moment, her words seemed futile. Everything did.

Columbia. The apartment with Eli in Brooklyn. Our plans for the future. All the things that days ago seemed to be my motivation just seemed to pointless to me all of a sudden. And I wasn't sure why. Me yelling at him to never come back I knew was part of it. It could've also been because of the news that the doctor had told me. That I had what had shrunk to be a 0% chance at life and my body was just a ticking time bomb. Not in those words of course, but that's how my mind had translated it. I was going to die and that was it. Everything was over.

Reaching over to the table next to my bed, I grabbed my phone, instantly scrolling down to Eli's name. Hearing him say he'd be leaving that night from Toronto had been sudden, just as his arrival had been. And since I told him to go, I hadn't really felt too encouraged. I missed him. Badly. Ever since he turned and walked out. There was only so much distance could fix and though Eli technically couldn't do anything to save me, there was some sort of superhuman power the boy possessed to lift my spirits. And I had translated that into him being the sole purpose to my survival. Our future. Our plans. I had to do this so I could be with him. It was a promise I had made to myself weeks prior.

I hated him for leaving. I hated him for walking out that door when I had yelled at him. I wanted him to stay and I was hoping that what I said would make him do just that. I was scared. I was _terrified_. I was sick and lonely and scared. The combination was enough to drive me insane. Which, in fact, it actually really was.

Without another thought to whether it was a good idea or not, I hit the call button, hearing it ring a few times on the other end before hearing breathing on the other end. I waited for an answer. More than just a breath. Eli's plane didn't board for another hour, I knew he had a few seconds just to hear me out.

"Clare, are you okay?"

"I need you. Okay? I know what I said but I need you! All I know is that right now I love you. And right now I need you. And I can't go another moment without telling you I love you. I can't do that anymore, not now that I've already said what I did. I went so long without you and told myself I'd never let you go and I did and I hate that decision every second! And I'm sorry I'm making things difficult and confusing but I don't know what to do. You said that if I lost my mind you'd help me get it back. But you didn't do that! You didn't talk me through it! You just left! I needed you to help me make it better somehow and you left! I can't do this without you! I _need _you! I need to get better for me but I need you. I just need you."

I tried really hard not to full on sob but I knew that the fact my breaths were ragged and hiccupping told Eli everything that I already was. And that I had started hours ago. My voice was hoarse and my mind reeling. The only thing that I wanted was to take back what I had said. I was hoping that he'd just talk me out of it and stay. He didn't. And I'm not sure if that fact hurt more than me not having him at all.

"You can't need me like that," he said sternly. I couldn't tell if he was crying or not. I didn't think he was. I didn't think he had any sad feelings about the situation at all. I couldn't see him so it was hard to really tell. "You can't need me, Clare. You need to get better for _you_. You need to have a little faith in yourself."

"Eli-."

"Just listen to me, Clare. And you may not understand that you're dragging yourself down by doing this, but you are. And I can't watch you do that. You can't reverse time and tell me about the cancer before I left. You can't tell me not to get out, because maybe the best thing for _you_ right now is to learn how to do this by yourself. Without me. If you need to talk, I'll listen but I can't be everything to you right now."

I sucked in another shaky breath and felt the need to throw my phone across the room. Because in all honesty, seeing it shatter against the wall seemed really satisfying. But I couldn't do that. So instead of screaming, instead of trying to beg again to just go back to how things were, before I could do anything else to make me feel even more idiotic or horrible than I already felt…I hung up. I hung up and I cried harder than I've ever cried in my entire life. More than when I found out I had cancer, more than when I was given a time limit, more than when I told Eli to come see me, more than when he left.

When Eli left, I thought I still had him. Maybe I still did. And by his words I still did now. But…it wasn't the same. Having him as a friend, it wasn't the same. I couldn't tell a friend I loved them like that. I couldn't tell him I wanted to kiss him. I couldn't tell him I missed him. It was like the connection was broken and I couldn't fix it. And the only person I had to blame was myself, right? I hated myself. I _hated _myself.

I knew that I shouldn't have said what I did in the first place. I knew I shouldn't have. Because I knew this was a possibility. And now the tugging and hurting of my heart felt worse than the pain that was entering my system from my cancer. It was deadly. Everything about everything I was feeling was deadly. And this was one thing I couldn't fix.

Looking around the room, I never realized how I'd become this alone in the first place. Alli and Jenna were in France, Jake and Glen had gone to B.C., my mother was working all the time…Eli was gone. I was mad at him. I really was. I was mad that he had made all of these promises with me. I was mad that he didn't talk it out like he had said he would. That nothing was fixed and it seemed to be all broken.

I didn't understand how needing him was wrong. I didn't understand how relying on him was wrong. I didn't understand how all the feelings I had were suddenly pressuring him and was somehow this huge burden on him when he always said that that was what he was there for. Unless he always felt pressured and burdened. I knew that he had a lot on his plate with all of the university things going on. But how could I suddenly be such a burden? I was to Glen and my mother I knew that. But Eli had always promised I wasn't. So what had changed?

The feelings that were going on inside me were feeling a lot less rational by the second and more insane than anything else. My teeth were clenching, my fists balled up, tears spilling like waterfalls and cries every second. I couldn't take it. I wanted to just stand up, rip out all of the wires and IVs and just get on a plane to New York right then. I wanted to be better for Eli _then_. Yet even if I was I wasn't sure if he would take me back. He seemed consumed.

I felt replaced. Replaced by college and the work load and the stress. I was going insane. I wanted to take back every word I said that started all of this. I wanted out of my mind, out of the hospital but I couldn't even _walk_. I couldn't get up and go, I was too weak. I couldn't. Do. _Anything._ So I just cried. I cried, and cried and cried and cried. There was nothing else I could do and the rage that I had inside for everyone who had left and for myself was taking over. There was no release. I couldn't write it out, I wanted to talk it out. But all that did was upset me and upset Eli. And upsetting him was the last thing that I wanted to do.

I didn't mean to put on the pressure, I didn't, I didn't and I was so, so sorry. I didn't mean to make him feel like he was the only thing I needed to survive. Those may have been my words but that wasn't how I meant it. It wasn't how I meant it and now I couldn't ever explain myself. _I hated it._ I had just tried to explain that he helped me somehow. Somehow, through all of the weakness and irritation that had been going on, he helped me feel better. Why was it so bad to rely on someone? To need someone? I couldn't do this on my own. I just couldn't. I felt like I'd die.


	9. Chapter 9

**Sorry for the delay. Here's chapter 9. Thanks again for all of the reviews and everything, they really mean a lot. I hope you all like this chapter, reviews appreciated!**

_30_

_You're the only thing that makes me feel like…I could ever get better.  
Promise me you won't leave me. Promise me, okay? Just promise me. _

_Stop it. You're suffocating me!  
I can't. I'm sorry okay, but I can't._

The words echoed in my mind over and over again. The emotions, the tears, everything that went along with the memories. I remembered back to the first downfall of my relationship with Eli. Well, the first breakup anyway. Eli had become intensely clingy. At the time I had no idea why. I thought it had something to do with the fact that he missed Julia. His first girlfriend who had been killed in a car accident that he blamed himself for. Even though he was nowhere near the scene when it took place.

I was semi right. The death of Julia had triggered something for him. A condition in his mind that had been building and building and building up in his mind for years and years. And that was the snapping point for him. Eli was bipolar. He didn't know how to control is actions, emotions. He didn't even know what the condition was or that he really had to treat it. To him it was just intense emotion. Passion. Desire to be by my very side at every moment.

Through the few years I'd known him, that last part hadn't really changed all too much. There was still that emotion. That passion. That desire to be there for me. And I knew that it was because he loved me. He loved me more than anyone. He'd do anything for me. But what had changed was his perspective on life. How he handled things, how he treated people. How he treated himself.

I remembered a conversation that we had one night. I remembered it was the first week after rekindling our relationship the second time. I had seen Eli go through some intense changes. He'd freak out less. He'd panic less. He'd lose his temper less. And he didn't need to know what I was doing at every second of every day. He wasn't obsessed. So I asked…_what had changed?_

"_I had kind of this revelation_," _he told me._ _"Remember Love Roulette?" I nodded. How could I forget? The tragic play he wrote about the downfall of our relationship. One of the last breaking points I'd ever seen him have. I remembered it perfectly. "After the play was over and people were heading out to the cast party, I sat with Bullfrog on the bench on stage. Looked out. I scared myself that night. The way I had just exploded out of nowhere and decided to burn the script. _

_It was like I was trying to burn away my past. My mistakes, my regrets. I had spent all that time trying to get you back. Trying to be the guy you fell in love with the first time. But the guy you fell in love with the first time was sick. Confused. And I finally understood that. I made a vow that day that no matter what, whether I had you in my life or not, I wasn't going to get better for you. I had to do it for me. Because if I didn't do it for me, I was going to fail. Guaranteed."_

Being alone is scary. The first reaction to having cancer is that you don't want people to go out of their way to go visit you. Sometimes you might even push people away. And when you're just living normal life, it's easy to find distractions. To go out and find things to do to occupy your mind. But when you're confined to one place and literally cannot go anywhere, the realness of actually being alone hits you. You realize that people might go out of their way to see you once or twice. Come and go to say hi for a few moments.

You're confined to a bed that you don't want to be in. A room with walls you don't want to stare at. Machines that you don't want to be attached to. You can't leave. You can't get up and walk out. You can't take a drive to clear your mind. You're stuck there. And there's nothing that you can do about it. Nothing that anyone can do about it. You just have to put up with it. Being alone at first is nice. You get away from the craziness and the hectic pace that the illness has brought on. You can get a breath of fresh air in a way. But when hours pass by which turn into days which turn into weeks and months, it's not fresh air anymore. It's tainted.

And it's depressing. The white walls turn black and muddy. Your mind wanders to dark, gross corners because you have too much time to think and reflect. You're just utterly depressed, unmotivated and disgusted with everything. Your heart hurts, your head hurts, the body parts you can't use to get up and walk away hurt. And when you reach that place and are at your breaking point, grabbing the phone and saying, "come home, please" is more like saying, "I'm losing my mind, come help me". So when you find someone who's willing to help you, you cling to them like they're your lifeline and tell them to never leave you.

You literally see them as being the only source of survival whether you intend to or not. They see the good days, the bad days, the grossness and the disgust you've been putting up with alone for the past however long it's been. And though you don't mean to put so much pressure on them, you sometimes do. But you just hope that instead of desperation it comes out as gratitude and love. And then you just don't let go.

It was the only thing I had been able to think about in the past week since Eli had left. The words he'd yelled at me over the phone, all the things he'd said to me in the past. I knew that I wasn't going through what he was, but this was still just as traumatizing. It was life changing and it was scary. It was alone and he was the one person I thought I had. I didn't want to let go. I didn't want to do this for me, I wanted to do this for him.

And that's when I got it. I finally got it. All the things that Eli had been telling me, it wasn't to hurt me. It wasn't to get me to back off because he didn't want anything to do with me anymore. None of that. It wasn't some way to kick me out of his life. He was my _best friend_. He'd made that clear to me time and time again. Through this whole process, he just kept telling me over and over again that he was there for me still no matter what. I was just too stubborn to want him as _just_ that. But now I understood.

Eli knew what it was like to get better for someone else. To be sick and have some great plan to get better and come out as this huge hero. He understood what it was like to push away everyone who ever cared about him. He understood what it was like to lean on the one he loved like a crutch. Because he understood at one point in his life that he didn't believe that he was strong enough to do that on his own. And in that moment, that was me.

I didn't think I was strong enough. I thought that since I had cancer and this infection, this time limit on my life, that I wasn't strong enough to get better on my own. To get better solely for the fact that I deserved better than a hospital room and deserved more than to sit and be sick for the rest of however much time I had left. I deserved a life. A chance. Even if I didn't think I did, I did.

I had spent so much of my time thinking about how upset and devastated I was without Eli that I didn't stop to think about the pressure I was really putting him under. When he'd first said it, I just internally scoffed. I didn't think it was pressure at all. If he thought the relationship was suddenly just pressure, he must've thought that all the way through. But I understood then that me telling him that he was the only thing I had was too much pressure for him. Me telling him that he was the only thing I wanted to get better for was too much pressure. Too much exhaustion. He was one person. And I new that feeling. I'd been there. The roles had been completely reversed. It was suffocating.

The only person I could get better for was _me_. Because if it wasn't, what did that say about how I saw myself? I had always been the type to see myself as strong and independent. I could do anything. I was Clare Edwards. And it took Eli yelling at me over a phone to get that into my head. And though I hated him for it then and though I thought it meant he didn't love me or need me anymore, it was a sign of him loving me. It really was. Because I he needed me to see that I needed to love myself. And that was the only way I was going to get through this. I had to be my own motivation. I just had to.

/

"She's pissed, dude."

"I know."

"She has every right to be."

"_I know._"

"I mean, you just up and left. If I were her I think I'd dump you, too."

I sighed loudly into the phone, looking around my dorm room. It had been a week since I had left for New York and every second I missed her. Every single second of every day I missed her. And Adam decided to remind me of that constantly since he'd gone to see Clare a few days before.

"She needs to be able to do this for her," I tried to reason. Which had been what I was trying to tell Clare in the first place though she wouldn't listen to me at all. "I can be there for her and she can lean on me all she wants but I can't be the sole purpose she's alive, I just don't feel right about that."

"Like how she was the sole purpose you were alive for half of the time you were at Degrassi? I get where you're coming from, Eli, but she really doesn't have anyone else here. She's all alone and it's really sad to watch her like that."

I knew where he was coming from. I understood it. But I also knew what it did to Clare when I leaned on her as much as I did when I was sick. I knew how it put pressure on our relationship and I didn't want it to go down that road again. Though if I had known that me saying that would lead her to telling me to never come back, I probably wouldn't have said it in the first place.

"I meant what I said when I told her she needs to do this for herself. I know I was the only one there but…I just have stuff I need to get done down here. I didn't mean for that to piss her off. I want more than anything to be there with her but I just can't right now."

"Because of a stupid extra credit assignment?" I could hear the dripping annoyance in Adam's voice. And I knew that if he were next to me he'd hit me for being such an idiot. "Eli you left _Brett Barnet's_ _film_ to come back and help her and you can't stay because of a stupid extra credit assignment?"

"Adam, I'm not doing a stupid extra credit assignment." Pinching my eyes between my fingers, I began to pace back and forth in the middle of the hotel room. I had really messed this up. The entire reason I was in this situation was because I was trying to cover up a secret, which ultimately would make the situation better, but it had blown up in my face. Like most things seemed to do.

"I'm here to give the people who accepted me into this university an explanation to why I'm transferring to UT."

There was no response on the other end of the phone. Which I knew meant that Adam was trying to find some way not to verbally murder me right then and there. In all honesty, if I were him I probably would've be pissed at me, too. I somehow had this great way of ruining "brilliant" plans. And now Clare practically hated me and I had no idea how I was going to turn this around.

"Why the hell didn't you tell her that, dumbass? She's sitting there thinking that you don't want to be with her anymore because she's dying. She feels like shit enough as it is."

"She's not dying, okay? She's going to be fine. I just, I wanted it to be a surprise. Something to cheer that up but I get it. I messed that up. Now I just need to find a way to make her forgive me and not murder me when I get back."

"An apology would be a nice start."

I nodded more to myself than anything else and hung up the phone. Adam was right. In situations involving Clare he was usually always right. Something that completely baffled me, ever since we had started dating back when I was in grade 11. I was going to need a dozen apologies to make this up to her. For leaving her as abruptly as I did. But something still stuck with me. What she had said to get me to stay.

Ever since Clare told me she had cancer I knew that I had to be with her. I couldn't _not_ be with her, I loved her too much. There had been so many times I had lost her and so much time spent trying to get her back that I couldn't just let her go that easily. And frankly I really hated myself at that moment for not explaining myself right then.

Seeing her go through this was like going through hell and back for me. I knew that I wasn't the one directly going through it, but loving her as much as I did, it broke me. It completely ripped my heart into pieces to watch Clare Edwards go through something like this. Like cancer. It wasn't fair. She didn't deserve it. She didn't deserve any pain at all. Throughout the entire time I had known her, she had been the most patient, kindest, most amazing person I had ever met in my life and for her to have to go through cancer just wasn't fair. She did nothing to deserve it.

Clare was the purest and most wholesome person on the planet. She was my best friend and the one person I loved more than anything. I knew what it was like to lose someone like her. I'd gone through it once before, it was hell. After Julia died, I was a mess. I was a wreck, and two years later I had just barely gotten through that. And of all people, _Clare_ got me through that. I knew what it was like to need someone like a lifeline. It was how I saw Clare. As a savior. But I also knew that me being the only reason she wanted to live wasn't going to work for us. I could be her everything, I just couldn't be her _everything_.

It was like the two of us had somehow switched roles. She was sick and clinging on me like if she let go, that would be it for her. I knew that I had to go back, that's why I was doing this in the first place. But I also had to convince her to live for _her_. I had to somehow remind her of all the little things she loved the most. From the smell of her favorite flowers, to the words of her favorite book. The lyrics to her favorite song. I had to find _something_ to show her that she had to do this for herself. I'd be there for her one hundred percent, but I had to do what she did for me. I had to teach her how to live again.

I knew that was the only thing I could do to help her at this point. The blood I had donated for her transplant had already poisoned her body. Though both Clare and her doctors told me that I wasn't the one to blame, I still feel like I was partly responsible. Not because I had infected blood or anything, because I didn't. But I had always promised that girl I'd help her and be there for her in any way possible and it seemed like the only thing I was doing lately was letting her down. I couldn't do that anymore. Never again. I'd failed her too many times in the time that I'd known her. I couldn't do that again.

There was going to have to be some way that I could speed this process up. That I could go in and submit my transfer papers right away. I knew that there would be the possibility that I wouldn't even be able to start classes that semester. That classes at TU would be too full with them starting only a few weeks away. But I had to try. And if I did miss maybe a semester or two, it would be worth it. Because I knew that I'd be with Clare, every second by her side and I had to do that for her.

She was right, she had no one there, really. Adam had visited once and her entire support system had scattered off to different places over the summer. Then with Alli and Jenna, her two best friends, going away to Degrassi that September, they probably wouldn't have too much time to spend with her. Even if I started college that fall, I wouldn't be able to spend every waking second with her. But it beat spending none at all. I had to get to her.

/

"_How long has she had a fever?"  
"About an hour…an hour I think."  
"What are her other symptoms?"  
"She's thirsty…always thirsty. Sick to her stomach, she keeps falling asleep."_

Their voices were really echoy. Like when a cartoon is on and they're about to pass out…the sound kind of has this echo until they finally do. I think that's what it felt like to be hazy. To be really, really sick. Up until this point I hadn't really experienced anything drastic. The chemo made me sick. The medicine. But nothing like this. Nothing that made me feel like I couldn't move or like I couldn't breathe. I felt like I was dehydrated at all times and I wanted to just drink up the ocean. If that was even possible.

I remember falling in and out of sleep. The lights above me gave me a headache so I would squint up at them or look at the side. I didn't like looking to the side though because then I would either see the concrete wall outside my window or I would see my mother's concerned face. She looked like she had been crying. Lots and lots of crying. I didn't understand why she was so upset. All I knew is that I wanted to sleep for a thousand years. Oh, and have a lot more water.

At some point I knew that I had heard Adam. At least I thought I had. Earlier that day he was there. I knew that for a fact. But now I couldn't see him. I could just hear him faintly talking. Though I couldn't figure out what he was saying, either. So maybe he wasn't there and I was just hearing things. My mother had grabbed my hand at one point and started telling me that it was all going to be okay. I wasn't sure why she was saying that. I was supposed to get sleep and feel sick, wasn't I?

But I knew that I kept sweating a lot and my head hurt. I knew that my stomach wasn't letting me rest because I kept throwing up ever five minutes or so. I knew that my chest hurt a little bit and breathing was more difficult. Though I didn't know why. I think that's the scariest thing when you're going through something. Because you know that all of these things are happening. And a person's first instinct when there is a problem is to try to understand that problem and fix it. Or at least that was mine. But I didn't know the problem. Or maybe I did. I just didn't know what was _causing_ the problem. So I couldn't fix it. Instead, I just lied there and looked around, waiting for someone to tell me that there was one.

Or maybe it was just all in my mind and I was just way too tired to comprehend that there was really nothing going on. Maybe my sickness was some weird dream because my body was so exhausted and created illusions in my mind while I was passed out. That was always a possibility. But then why was it that when I opened my eyes everything was spinning? I closed them.

Someone's hand grabbed mine, tightly. I couldn't open my eyes, I was too tired. But I knew the hand wasn't my mother's. Their them smoothed the back of my hand trying to sooth me I think. It was working. And if anything it was making me more and more sleepy. And I heard their voice.

"You're gonna be okay," he said. "You're gonna be just fine. You're just kinda sick from the infection and the medication but you're fine."

It was unlike Adam to ever sound so upset. Something had to be wrong for him to be upset. Like the time he had tried dating Fiona and found out she was drinking. His voice was shaky. The time that I found him burning himself at the outside lunch tables at Degrassi. When he was just tired of being tired and needed someone to talk to. And now he had that voice again. In the back of my mind I was concerned, knew something was wrong. But I couldn't really grasp the concept. It was all hazy. But I know the last thing I remembered was Adam squeezing my hand.

/

"Eli's coming. He didn't leave forever. You know he wouldn't do that to you. He'll be home soon. In fact, I'm sure by the time he gets here, you'll be feeling so much better. You've got to be. He's so thrilled to get to see you. And he's staying. I'm not sure if it's in my place to say this, but he's staying. So you'll be just fine. Everything will be just fine."

Even if I knew she didn't hear a single word I said, I knew I had to say it. She had to hear it…I mean, even if she couldn't _actually hear it_. But sometimes, you don't really know what people hear after they pass out. You don't know what goes into their mind. It was possible the words entered her system and she could just think it was part of some weird dream. But I knew there was no response and I knew that her hand had lost the grip it had on mine.

Clare's doctors had said it might happen. That'd she'd lose consciousness. And as soon as it happened, they rushed over, attaching her to all sorts of machines. They even put this breathing mask over her mouth and nose, explaining it was something called a ventilator. Something that would almost breathe for her in a way, just until she woke up. It was unreal.

I've had my fair share of scary things happening. The torture I endured my first year of Degrassi when people found out about the whole trans thing. Watching Drew go through all the shit he did with the gangs and concussions. And hell getting shot was probably the scariest thing that had ever happened to me. More than probably, definitely. At least up until that point. Because I don't think there's anything scarier than watching one of your best friends die in front of you.

Sure, I knew she probably wouldn't die right then. But it wasn't looking good for her. I wanted more than anything for the odds to be on her side. Yet looking at Clare then, all attached to machines, not being able to breathe on her own, it was pretty freaky. I didn't know what was going to happen to her. I don't think anyone really knew. Sure the doctors knew what they were doing, but every person is different. What they were doing _should_ keep her comfortable and stable, is what they would say. But the word _should _and _will_ were two completely different things. I just hoped that Eli would get there as quickly as possible in case that _should_ turned into a _won't_.

I watched as Clare's mom paced back and forth at the foot of the bed. I didn't really know her all too well. I'd only met her a few times while hanging out at Clare's house, but usually she was at work or out somewhere when I was over. But if I did know one ting about her it was that she loved Clare very, very much. Clare had mentioned from time to time how she couldn't stand her at some moments (mostly when the divorce happened), but you could tell that Clare adored her. Just like any daughter would her mother in close relationship. Just like now, I could tell Mrs. Martin just wanted for her daughter to get better. To wake up and be okay. That's what we all wanted.

Slipping my hand out from Clare's, I stepped back from the bed and exited the hospital room. Nurses and doctors would pass by occasionally. Sometimes a various patient. I leaned up against the wall and sunk down, reaching into my pocket to grab my phone. Eli had asked if I'd call to give any kind of update and I knew that he'd want to hear this. And I was slightly hoping that it would make him get here faster. To just get the conversation with the dean over with now and just get here. Because even though Clare was out of it, she needed him.

"Is she okay?"

Eli's voice was panicked. But then again, lately he always seemed panicked. Which in this case was very acceptable.

"She's out," I replied. "Hooked up to a bunch of machines and a ventilator. Not responding. You better get down here quick, that infection isn't doing so well for her. You shouldn't have left in the first place or at least you should've told her the truth."

Eli let out a heavy sigh. "Dude, I know, stop it. I'm at the airport right now, alright? Everything's sorted. Is she…is she gonna wake up?"

"Would you like my optimistic answer? That would be yes. My realistic answer would be that I have no idea. Which is why you'd better be getting on a freaking rocket."

I hung up the phone and stood back up, looking around the hallway. Within the past few moments it had become completely empty. No more doctors. No more random patients going for a walk. It was pretty eerie. I looked through the window on Clare's door and stared into the room. Doctors surrounded her fragile body. Her mother still stood at the foot of her bed and was crying, covering her face.

It had never occurred to me that I could lose one of my best friends. It never became real. Not until then. Of course I had known people who died. I'd seen how that kid's suicide the last school year effected everyone around me. Especially his girlfriend, Maya. And then Eli who found him. I knew how Eli's ex's death effected him even after a year had passed. And that scared me. It scared me to lose one of my best friends. One of the first people in this town who had accepted me for me right off the bat. I didn't want to have to deal with the aftermath. I didn't want to feel the effects of losing someone I was close to. Because though I can get through a lot of things, I wasn't sure how to get through something like that. I didn't know how I could.


End file.
